Jacob

Well, it’s been a good run. Did the Lacrosse thing, until I realized that balls hurt a lot. Well… not these balls (pats the obvious alternative to lacrosse balls lovingly) (not that kind of lovingly). These balls have never hurt me a bit. They’ve only brought me good luck. And they don’t break my thumb. They did sprain it once. But that’s another story for another time (e-mail me).

Anyway. My post-school plans can be divided into two categories:

1. If I keep my huge goofy hair

If I keep my huge goofy hair I am going to try working as “Harry” on Harry and the Hendersons. If this has been cancelled, as it may well have been (my thesis is over. I don’t do research anymore. I mean, hell. I can even do footnotes THE WRONG WAY. What the hell are you going to do about it? (2)

2) absolutely nothing. Deez nuts. (3)

3) this footnote is SO FUCKED UP.

) ? end of parenthesis started before nonsensical rant about footnotes.

(here is the end of the sentence I started before the “Footnote Massacre”(4)):

4) May 3rd, 2004, 11:Deez Nuts PM

END OF THE SENTENCE: I will do something else. Maybe those “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” commercials. I’ve got the hair for it. Or I’ll go into pro wrestling as “The Human Coif” My special move will be “The Coiffinator.”(5)

5) The Coiffinator involves spraying my hair with enough Aqua-Net to use it as a bludgeoning weapon. (6)

6) Deez Nuts.

My final option, if somehow The Human Coif falls through, is to be the stunt double for Chops on the Simple Life. I’ll do the boinking Paris Hilton stunts so Chops doesn’t get hurt by all the night vision cameras. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it. And that somebody will be me. I will do it. With my GIGANTIC COIF.(7)

7) I should clarify that “Coif” is short for “coiffure,” a French word meaning “Hairdo.” This footnote is far too accurate and is causing me post-thesis anxiety. So let’s just say “Coiffure” is a Hebrew word for “These Testicles,” or colloquially, “Deez Nuts.”

Okay. Time to rein in the footnote humor. Let’s move to…

2. If I cut off my huge goofy hair

If I cut off my huge goofy hair, I am going to be the next assistant dean, and be the most influential dean since Freddye Hill during her spring semester. Except I will rename myself “Jacoyb” to continue the tradition. I will continue directing student plays, but I will only cast faculty members and cute girls in them. I will also reinstate chalking, but only during the weeks preceding my plays. And the chalkings have to mention my play and/or how cute I am. For example: “Free Trade Vaginas allow Palestinians to pork your dad in the butt. Also Dean Robinson’s ‘Godspell’ this weekend.”

In either case, it’s been a good run with the Amper these past two years. I’ll always remember that time I wrote that funny article. You remember that one? I laughed so hard, and I’m sure you did too. And I dream of someday writing another one. And these are the memories and dreams that nobody can ever take from us. (8)

8) except Freddy Kreuger. (9)

9) I mean Freddye.

Also, Sascha is way lame. I’ve been the real editor this entire time and you NEVER EVEN KNEW IT! In fact, I’m not even Jacob Robinson at all! I’m… (rips Jacob Robinson mask off) SARA MORRISON! Let’s see Raven Moldonado ’04 struggle with this!