News Flash: Johann did your mom last night.
Asked for comment, Johann said, “Sascha, this is immature. It was a joke.” But this is no joke. He totally did your mom and grabbed a snack on the way out.
News Flash: Sascha Stanton-Craven is totally questioning.
Sources report that Sascha Stanton-Craven ’04 is “way gay.” Evidence includes him totally making out lots of boys. When asked for comment, all Stanton-Craven had to say was “Johann, what are you typing over here [I like boys]?”
News Flash: Devra Lobel is totally drunk.
Sources report that Devra Lobel is totally drunk “like, ALL of the time” now that her thesis has been turned in. One source reported seeing her outside of the Camus Center “drunk as all hell.” When asked for comment, Devra responded, “buaahhh…oh, there’s some whiskey left. You want to make out?”
News Flash: Previous News Flash Transforms Davenport into Center of Existential Torment.
See, I typed “Camus Center” instead of “CamPus center,” and I thought it was kind of funny, so I left it. And I’m drunk.
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