Many years ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was man named Melvin Jesusinsteinowitzenberg-Schwartz. Melvin wanted to be a famous carpenter (like his idol, Ty on Trading Spaces), but his name always got in the way. So he decided to pull a ‘Madonna’ and go by one easy to pronounce name. However, when he realized that not everyone spoke Czechoslovakian or knew how to say Krydkenpnisqwec, Melvin finally legally changed it to Jesus.
Jesus, or ‘the Jeez’ as he liked to be called, was a miserable failure of a carpenter. Really, he never accomplished much more than nailing two perpendicular pieces of 2x4s together. Jesus had no credible wood working skills whatsoever, and besides, he was always getting splinters in his feet because of the sandals. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, Jesus was big into sandals. In fact, he was addicted to them. He finally hit rock bottom when he found himself spending upwards of three million yen a day on sandals and hanging out with unhygienic activists and ladies of loose morals. These characters belonged to a bad-ass motorcycle gang called ‘The Goyim,’ and they soon named Jesus the leader of the pack.
Then, the feds got wind of what the Jeez was up to, and they killed him. And then he came back from the dead, leading to speculation that he faked his own death for publicity and a complimentary electric drill. In any case, it worked. Jesus tried to re-invent his image, and from then on insisted on being photographed only if surrounded by pastel eggs and bunnies, both of which he would then proceed to ravenously devour once the cameras were gone. A few years later, his assistant came out with a tell-all book, called I hate Jesus and he sucks so much! However, Fox News decided that this title was too similar to their own copyrighted slogan, “I love Jesus and George W. Bush.” After Rupert Murdoch threatened to sue Jesus’ assistant/hairstylist, the title of the unauthorized biography was changed to The New Testament. And everything was great until the next day, when Melvin (he decided that he was going to keep it real from now on) got stuck in a bathtub. Oh wait, that was Taft.
The End
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