Oh Leslie, darling. I sooooooo know what you’re talking about. After reading your Wespeak entitled “Sick of being an underachiever” I realized that I, too, have to embrace my loser/I don’t-do-anything newfound identity. I’m sitting here in the library freaking out because I don’t know how to use my computer. Actually, I’m listening to music on my headphones (FUCK, I’m not even cool enough to own an iPod and you should be able to tell right away because my headphones aren’t small and white and cute). I’m freaking out because my computer just said “preparing to hibernate” and I’m like “what the hell does that mean?” Then my computer advised me to “change your battery or back up your shit, idiot” and I was like “shut up and don’t talk to me you inanimate loser object.”
See what I’m talking about? I can’t even write a focused Wespeak. I really am a huge loser. I think all I do with my life is eat too many fake chicken nuggets from WeShop and bitch about the lame weather. When WeShop runs out of my fake nuggies I get really sad and I’m forced to drown my sorrows in one of those scary Frisbee-sized cookies near the cash registers. Also, I don’t have an umbrella because I’m too dumb to buy one. (Sorry, Margo, but the one you “gave” me died a sorry death last week. Also, watch out for dumpsters in parking lots. I hear they’re pretty dangerous. Ha ha ha.) So I get super-cranky when it rains and go running to my freezer for comfort where I inevitably find that I ate the last of the fake chicken nuggets 15 minutes beforehand.
I, too, used to be not so looserish in high school because I did things, like sports and shit. I don’t know where my motivation went. Now I do weird things like take naps on the floor of the stacks (section 2A) because I’m too lazy to walk home (fuck Intown) and I write stupid, meaningless Wespeaks when I should be working on important academic things.
Now, Ms. Leslie, you wrote, “Sadly, I realized I do absolutely nothing super important. I work. I walk my wiener doggy.” Not that I’m actually cool enough to remember the name of your wiener doggy but I think he’s really cool. I think it’s especially cool when you put little sweaters and shit on him. For some reason, this reminds me of Paris Hilton. Did you know she designs and sells purses now? Have you seen them? They suck. They suck a lot.
Ok, one more thing. Leslie, I think you and I would make really good bizarro twins on campus. All you have to do is grow a little taller and all I have to do is get some cool cat eye-glasses like yours and talk in a slight Texas accent. And then Eleanor Casey Sarah Terry can take our picture for the next bizarro edition of “Roving Reporter” and we’ll be officially cool. Ah yes, what a plan. So Leslie, I will leave you with the comforting words of Michael Jackson: “You are not alone. —nsert a high pitched ”Hee!“ her—. I am here with you…”
Also, I have a freaky scary nose and my sister enjoys showing her boobs at the Super Bowl to JT. He’s pretty cute, but not as cute as little boys. Therefore, I’m a loser, too.
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