Well, judgment day is at hand for many over-stressed seniors. In about a week, theses are due. While many may view this as a cause for panic, there is a hidden bonus. Over the past six months, I have managed to elude bras, arrest, pants, and the basic laws of nature after uttering the words, “I’m writing a thesis.” It is the ultimate excuse for everything. How does one use this powerful weapon? I have provided a few of my own sample conversations1:
Jacob Robinson2: Devra, um, I don’t know how to say this, but…I’ve noticed you’ve been wearing the same black sweatshirt and red sweatpants with holes in the crotch everyday for the past few weeks.
Devra: Oh, ok.
J-Rob: It’s kinda gross. I think there’s mold growing on your sleeve.
Devra: So there is. I’m sorry, I’ve just been working so hard on my thesis lately…
J-Rob: Oh, say no more! I completely understand. Carry on.
Sascha Stanton-Craven: I’m going to be perfectly honest with you Devra, you smell.
Devra: [glazed and empty look]
Sascha: Your hair is greasy and snarled…I think there’s mold growing on your scalp. When was the last time you put on deodorant?
Devra: [swatting at imaginary flies]
Sascha: And your behavior has gotten kind of erratic. Is there a history of senility in your family?
Devra: Sorry if I’ve been weird lately. My thesis has just been keeping me so busy…
Sascha: Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place? As you were.
Devra: Hey there, stud.
Hot Boy at Party: Um, do I know you?
Devra: No, but want to make out?
H.B.A.P.: Not really
Devra: I’m writing a thesis. Want to come home with me?
H.B.A.P.: [waves at imaginary friend] Oh, there is that really important person I need to talk to. Gotta go. [Sprints off].
1 Well, not really. I mean, I’ve been writing a thesis. I just haven’t had time.
2 The irony in using both Jacob and Sascha is that they’re also writing theses. But they have not cultivated the power of the excuse, and I have. So there. What more do you want from me? I’m writing a thesis.
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