In a stunning development, the Administration has, in the words of President Doug Bennet, “come out” in support of gay marriage as the national debate on whether or not homosexuals should have the right to marry heats up.
“Let’s face it,” Bennet said. “Wesleyan is not the kind of place where dates just fall into your lap and the gay kids already have it rough so I’m glad to do anything I can to help out.”
The University has decided to take such an active role in coming out in favor of gay marriage that the Administration has taken an extraordinary step in cementing the University’s position on the debate. “We decided that if we’re going to officially support gay marriage, we might as well go the whole hog,” Bennet said. According to Bennet, the campaign will be called Real Marriage on Campus, or RMoC.
Members of the administration who will be able to officiate at the new marriages will be Bennet, University Registrar Anna van der Burg and Director of Public Safety Maryann Wiggin. According to Bennet, the University will begin perform gay marriages in the newly renovated Memorial Chapel at the end of May. “I mean really, we spent $50 million on fixing the building up, we might as well put it to good use.”
In an effort to blend the old with the new at Wesleyan, the first gay marriages will be performed during the newly named Reunion/Commencement/Civil Union Weekend 2004. Applications for marriage licenses will be available from the Registrar’s Office at North College beginning May 1, said van der Burg.
“Eventually, we hope to be able to have students apply for marriage licenses online through their e-portfolios!” van der Burg said. “We figure this has got to be as good a reason as any to get the students to use the damn things.”
According to new University policy, all student marriages must be approved by van der Burg, and marriages performed after the red drop/add period will require the signature of the appropriate class dean.
The repercussions of the University’s decisions are far-reaching. Newly wedded gay couples who present their marriage certificates will receive 10% off their meals at the Red and Black Café, according to Food Services Director Tim Reiss.
“We thought that at least for Reunion/Commencement/Civil Union Weekend, that ‘Red and Black’ would seem a little too heteronormative,” Reiss said. “So we’re renaming in the Red and Red, or the Black and Black, depending on which way you swing.”
Even professors are getting in on the benefits of gay marriage. Professor of Art History John Paoletti and Professor of History Bruce Masters plan on getting hitched as soon as they can. Despite their plans, the marriage will be brief, the two men say.
“We’re just doing it to prove a point,” Paoletti said. “After all, we both have wives. We’re going to get it annulled after 24 hours. If Britney can do it, so can we. We just want to have one whirlwind night.”
And similarly, though her colleagues doubt her seriousness, Professor of American Studies Claire Potter has sent a memo to the entire faculty announcing her upcoming marriage to Madonna.
The University’s plans to perform gay marriages have not been without opposition. Raging homophobe Pat Buchanan has announced his plans to declare all gay marriages performed by Bennet null and void as soon as they are pronounced.
In a statement posted on his website, Buchanan wrote, “Gay marriages performed at Wesleyan should not be considered valid if the official declaring them mumbles to the point where the ceremony cannot be understood.”
The effects of the gay marriage announcement are so far reaching across the University that even the Office of Admission is affected by the Administration’s announcement. Dean of Admission Nancy Meislahn has announced that the 2004-2005 University viewbook has been revised to announce the key geographic position of the University in relation to gay marriages.
According to Meislahn, the new viewbook announces that the University “is located conveniently halfway between Northampton and New Paltz,” so that members of the Wesleyan community are always within an easy drive to other hubs of gay marriage in the Northeast. In coordination with the Middletown Transit Authority, Greyhound buses will leave for Provincetown, Mass. every hour on the hour during Reunion/Commencement/Civil Union Weekend from the Zelnick Bus Station between the Chapel and the ’92 Theater.
“We just want to make it easier for the newlywed to honeymoon in style,” said Director of Univeristy Communications Justin Harmon. “We’re trying to put the liberal back in liberal arts.”
Leave a Reply