Aries: Looking at Valentine’s Day as half-empty instead of half-full? Well, remember that you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs before you can find Prince Charming. Although kissing a bunch of slimy lips might not seem appealing, it can be entertaining if you let it be. So, pop in a mint, put on flavored chapstick, and tell everyone to pucker up—because Valentine’s Day night, you’re on a kissing spree.
Taurus: Cupid’s arrow has been missing you all year, and your list of sexual encounters is less than extraordinary. This Valentine’s Day, you’re going to stop relying on a naked boy with poor aim. Shove Cupid’s arrows up his ass and take matters in your own hands! Tell that special someone about your feelings, and maybe you’ll stop confusing V-Day with D-Day.
Pisces: Love is in the air for Pisces, and you’re taking a big whiff. Don’t be afraid to go the extra mile to try to please your crush or loved one. Whether that means buying him or her a thoughtful present or whipping out the whips and chains in bed, your efforts won’t go unrewarded.
Virgo: Valentine’s Day is the day of unconditional love, not making love. Before you start plotting who your sexual conquest is going to be, remember to tell your friends and family that you love them. In the end, they will be there, not the amour du jour.
Sagittarius: Your sexy look and single status will bring many options on Sat. night, and you’ll be able to freely pick and choose from your smorgasbord buffet of lovers. However, many VDs are spread on V-Day, so you might want to double bag it…just in case.
Capricorn: Venus and Mars are in interesting positions on the 14th…but it looks like Mercury is trying to get in on the action. Maybe Valentine’s Day calls for triplets, not couplets. This year, three’s company, not a crowd.
Leo: Can your lover not be here for Valentine’s Day? Don’t let the day go to a complete waste! Stop by Erotic Empire and get yourself a little toy, pick up the phone, and let the games begin! After a couple of hours of that, you’ll be too tired to even care that she or he is not there.
Cancer: Valentine’s Day might be a little hard for you this year, especially if you’re just coming off a bad break-up. But remember that Cancers are notorious for their shocking spontaneity and their proclivity for the nude. I’m sure with the encouragement of your old friend Justin Timberlake and a bottle of JD, you’ll be ready to rock your body for anyone wanting a show…and you’ll definitely be naked by the end of the song.
Libra: The 14th will be a time of reflection for you, and many of the questions that you will be pondering will bring added meaning to your life. Who should I sleep with tonight? Was that person in class flirting with me? What color underwear am I wearing? Think hard about these questions before going out tonight; the answers could lead to your deepest desires coming true.
Aquarius: Better brush up on your dirty talk because Valentine’s Day is going to bring out your wild side. Although everyone might be shocked by your newfound rowdiness, don’t be too quick to tame the beast within you—you’ll be surprised at how much your partner will like it.
Gemini: Although shyness is one of your more adorable features, shuffling your feet and stammering your way into another’s heart doesn’t really work, contrary to the popular culture here. As much as pretending to ignore someone is charming, it can shockingly be misinterpreted. This year, Valentine’s Day is your turn to be audacious! Your new confidence will radiate, attracting anyone that crosses its path. Think about that Kevin Costner movie—if you flaunt it, they will come.
Scorpio: Pluto is in perfect line with Saturn, which is 35.2 degrees to the right of Mars, which means that…screw it, you’re going to get laid. Enough said.
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