It all began in line at Mocon:
“Boy, this food isn’t very good.”
“Wow! I think that too!”
“Wow, really? What are the chances?”
“Do you, uh, want to, like, hang out sometime or something?”
Thus began a beautiful relationship between Stephanie and Al, two freshmen bound by a common love of breathing and Ultimate Frisbee.
Their mutual like was consummated later that evening, after getting drunk together in Al’s room. Since that fateful lunchtime encounter last November, the couple has been inseparable. (Except for over Winter Break, when they broke up in order to hook up with other people at home.) But since coming back to Wesleyan, they have resumed their attachment at the genitals.
At first, some of their friends felt alienated by this codependency, but over time they have come to still feel alienated. A friend, speaking under the condition of anonymity (let’s call him, say, “Gaaron Gsampson”), confessed, “Dude. It’s just fucking annoying. I mean… more like annoying fucking. After hanging out with them, all I can think about is them having sex. It’s like, a constant Steph/Al porno going on in my head. All the time!” Gaaron took a moment, reflected on his comment, hurried back to his dorm room, and shut the door quickly.
When asked about the nature of their relationship, Stephanie said, “Omigod, he’s like, so totally like my soulmate. I mean, we both live in Westco, we both like beer and sex and stuff. It’s totally fate. I’m like, so totally in love. Or, you know. Something.”
This reporter asked Al about their plans for the upcoming fake holiday. He replied, “I dunno. You know, it’s a really special day for us. We’ll probably go to, like, Mocon for dinner or something. Then maybe we’ll come back to my place, get drunk, and have some sex… what? Anything special? Yeah. Maybe in the butt or something. I mean like, I really, like, like [Stephanie] and stuff. She’s cool. Especially because it’s just too cold out to leave the dorm and meet any other chicks right now, you know?
I mean, there are some major hotties in the senior class, but it’s just too nasty out to crash any of their house parties. Maybe once it warms up a bit… no, but I mean, I like Steph. She’ll totally do for now.”
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