You’ve got to be crazy to be committed. Couples this time of year tend to get smug about their codependent status, often expressed through the maintenance of constant physical contact in public. It’s Valentine’s Day (otherwise known as Prove-Your-Love-for-Me- Right-Here-On-The-Mocon-Salad-Bar-Day). Who gets to prove their love? People whose love needs proving!
Let’s think about romantic relationships: “I will hang out with you if you will spend time with me. Therefore, let us exchange bacteria-filled saliva and touch tongues. In public, please declare our shared, exclusive, ‘special’ bond by grafting your hand to either my jeans’ butt pocket, my waist, or to my knee. Please feel free to explore the surrounding areas. Otherwise, I cannot be sure of your love for me. Naturally, all of this is to be done in front of all of my friends, because otherwise, they would have no clue as to the romantic Nirvana I have achieved by simply having you insert your penis in and out of my vagina in a somewhat rhythmic fashion on a regular basis.”
I don’t give a rat’s ass whether or not you have sex at all, unless it’s with me. The only reason I haven’t completely boycotted Valentine’s Day is because of those little chalky hearts with the messages on them. I must admit, I do enjoy being told by a small inanimate piece of candy that it thinks I’m “hot stuff.”
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