*No, no one will be mentioned by name; unfortunately the Ampersand is no longer in the business of “hurting peoples’ feelings.” Still, we think you’ll know who we mean.
STUDENTS FOR KUCINICH AND DELUSION: I will be the first to admit that there was a time when this relationship was best for the both of you. However, that time has come and gone. You guys fight all the time; you aren’t fun to hang out with as a couple any more, and it’s obvious you’re just staying together because you’re afraid to be alone. Listen: Delusion, I saw you freakin’ with another girl at Psi U last weekend. You guys have problems. Break up.
THE CASHIER AT THE VEGAN PLACE AND THE GUY HAVING A LONG CONVERSATION WITH HER: Wow, this wrap looks good. At least, I think it looks good; it’s a fucking wrap so I can’t see inside. The point is, I’m hungry, and I can’t eat the goddamn wrap until I pay for it, and I can’t pay for it until you stop talking. Jesus Christ, you’re holding up the line, and I don’t want to listen to your conversation any more. Although, that’s very interesting how you believe in workers’ rights and stuff. Still, I’m starving.
ART AND LIFE: Okay, this is hard for me, since you’re both my really good friends. I thought I would never have to have this conversation with you. Screw it. I’m just going to give it to you straight, okay? The way you guys always imitate each other was really cute at first. But, and I can’t believe no one’s told you this yet, it’s just fucking annoying at this point. Every time you two start up with it again we all glare at each other and hope to God that you stop soon. Please, make things easier for everyone and cut each other out of your lives.
DOUG AND MIDGE: He’s the only thing standing between her and “Sexy Single” status, and we all know it. Holler back, Midge. Mmmphgrumblebuhmumble!
WESLEYAN UNIVERSITY AND IRONY: I know you guys get along great, and you’re a really fun couple and all. Really, we’ve shared some laughs. But all the public displays are kind of gross. You’re just all over each other all the goddamn time. Wesleyan, I don’t want to seem jealous or anything, but maybe we should all have a talk about giving the thrift store and all those ’80s pop bands some space. You know that old saying: if you set your Parliament Lights and aviator sunglasses free, and they don’t ever come back, then the world is more awesome. Let them go, guys.
HOWARD DEAN AND AMERICA: Yeah, I know, I’ve seen the stickers. Dean for America! You know what? It’s bullshit. We know you hate America, friend. You can’t hide that behind your skills in the sack. America, I seem to remember a little fling between you and one Mr. Osama B? Yeah, he was good “down there” too. And look how that ended.
BUTTERFIELD C AND THE REST OF THE BUTTS: I mean, I don’t know, I feel like things are kind of weird between you guys lately. Ever since Summerfields came back into the picture, Butt C never makes time for A and B, and when it does, it’s always so rushed. It never wants to cuddle anymore. And Butt A, I’ve seen you scoping out the Kosher Kitchen. Yeah, I know, it got way cute this semester!
SNOW AND RAIN: 4 inches of dirty slush? How the fuck does that even fall from the sky? You guys shouldn’t have been together in the first plac—either it’s warm enough to rain or it’s cold enough to snow. I hate indecisive couples almost as much as I hate my tennis shoes being all full of nature’s Slurpee. You guys suck. Oh, and while I’m on it:
ICE AND SIDEWALKS: They think they’re so damn cute, but you know what’s so not cute? Turning campus into an evil deathtrap of fear and pain, that’s what. A paraplegia outbreak, that’s what. Seriously, guys, how many kids have to fall on their asses before you realize how abusive this relationship is?
FRIENDSTER AND THE LAST 2 HOURS I WAS SUPPOSED TO SPEND ON HOMEWORK: Damn.
GUY GUARDING THE KEG AND THE ONE GIRL HE KEEPS GIVING BEER TO: You are blocking the keg. Move. (P.S. She is not going to go home with you.)
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