I need food options too!

I agree with the “Vegetarians need options” Wespeak. While some wise guy might respond by saying, “Here’s an option: EAT MEAT, fuckin’ pinko” I say to them, “that’s really not nice.” I often find myself searching in vain for options that fit my dietary needs. I am a “Selective Vegetarian,” which means that I only eat animals that are not sufficiently cute and/or do not uphold an acceptable lifestyle.

Right now, my diet consists predominantly of Californian mountain lion and white tiger. Where are the options at Wesleyan that go along with my vindictive food choices? Cows rarely commit reprehensible acts, yet we eat them all the time. Why not give up eating innocent cows and start enjoying monkey? Have you ever been at the zoo with your mother watching the monkeys when one begins furiously masturbating, causing unspeakable embarrassment to both you and your mother? This isn’t right. Furious masturbation leads to even worse behavior, like poop flinging. That’s why I eat monkeys. I don’t even think cows are capable of masturbating.

Now, I am not your typical animal lover/activist. I enjoy footage of cows’ back legs giving out causing them to fall down and perhaps die due to Mad Cow Disease as much as the next guy. I do, however, think that Wesleyan should be more accommodating to progressive-minded people like myself.

I used to have a small poodle named Wilbur. My mother told me that Wilbur had to go to the Vet to get his anal glands drained. This is disgusting behavior that I refuse to tolerate. Before my mom had a chance to take “Sin Dog” to the Vet, I ate him (just the front half, for obvious reasons).

Wesleyan food services should provide the following uncute/unacceptable animals for consumption: mastiffs, aye-ayes, tapirs, bush babies, kinkajous, sloths (three-toed only), mules, dogs that wear sweaters, pterodactyls, and wombats. Animals with mental illnesses should go without saying.

I made the choice to be a selective vegetarian out of compassion and love of cute, morally laudable animals. I hope Wesleyan gets with the program and begins offering some legitimate options for people like me who prefer to eat ugly, misguided, and often crazy animals (Note: this may or may not include members of PETA).