So, I haven’t gotten any ass the first week back from school. This is ridiculous. You’d think winter break should have been enough time for me to regain my novelty as an easy Wesleyan woman. Unfortunately, it hasn’t. There is only one explanation: My main aesthetic assets are trapped beneath my wooly prison of winter garments. The bottom floor of the library is freezing, possibly due to the floor-to-ceiling windows. This is a problem.
If it’s that cold on the “social floor” of Olin (Editor’s note: Yeah, you know it’s the social floor. We know you’re always like, “oh, I have to go to the library now so I can study and do well in school,” and you always make us feel guilty for sitting in our rooms and using our computer– supposedly purchased for studying- to venture out into Post-Apocalyptic nuclear wastelands in a noble effort to save our dying tribe while you’re at the library studying, but we know what’s up. We know that all y’all just go to the bottom floor of Olin and find all your other little Sweet Valley High “studying” friends and you have your own damn little slumber party and do makeovers and facials and talk about boys or girls or, you know, whatever, while we sit in our rooms and play computer games. We KNOW THIS. We are ON TO YOU.)
(Editor’s editor’s note: Don’t mind him. He doesn’t fit well into the “study clique.”)
(Editor’s note: No. I could fit in fine if I wanted. I just would rather save my tribe.)
(Editor’s editor’s note: Whatever. You know that’s complete bull. I asked you to come to the library last week and you got all shaky and sweaty and said you had a huge party that you had been invited to where you were the guest of honor. Then you went and hid in the girls’ bathroom on the bottom floor of the campus center for twenty minutes. We don’t HAVE parties with guests of honor here.)
(Editor’s note: Look…Let’s just drop it.)
(Editor’s editor’s note: Why? Why drop it? You’ve been obsessed with it for the past month! You’re always saying “oh, look at so-and-so. She wants everyone to think she’s just another nerd hitting the books, but she’s just going there so we all know how popular she is, and how she has a hot new convertible, and how she’s dating Brock Gonad, football captain and Ralph Lauren model. Well I won’t play ball! Admit it. You’re jealous.)
(Editor’s note: I don’t want to talk about it…I…I had a bad mudpack experience at a slumber party when I was younger.)
(Layout editor’s note: Guys, for serious, shut the hell up. This is Devra’s article. Talk about your own shit somewhere else.)
(Editor’s note: ::breaks down in sobs:: They left the mud on for too long! And they called me Cakeface!!!!)
(Editor’s editor’s note: Back to the article. To recap, in case you’ve lost the flow: Devra has stated that she has not gotten much ass, that she is wearing clothes that are too thick, and that it is too cold in the library. And now, the crux of her argument:)
How the hell am I supposed to show off my breasts?!
(Editor’s note: I still can’t eat ice cream cake. You know the chocolate one with the oreo crumb crust that-)
(Layout Editor’s note: LET IT GO.)
The strut across the floor (you know you all have done it) completely loses its meaning when the low-cut tank top is absent. The attention is no longer directed towards my beautiful boobies, and instead the targets of my affection ask themselves, ”Why the hell is that girl in the bulky sweater always here and why does she keep walking by us?“ Inevitably they all reach the same conclusion: Incontinence.
The temperatures in the library have lowered me considerably. I am no longer the breastful goddess I was in warmer climes, slinking by the tables like a top heavy runway model, worshipped by other library patrons regardless of gender. I am now the nomadic girl with an unreliable bladder, waddling by looking like an overstuffed woolen beanbag. The only way to call attention to my clandestine rack is to balance books on it as I walk back and forth down the aisle.
”Sure, Devra,“ my friends say, ”But the cold can help. Doesn’t the SNE (Spontaneous Nipple Erection) make up for the constriction of your primary assets? People pay attention when they’re at attention.“ If only. But this bonus only translates with thinner, tighter sweaters, and it’s too cold to wear even those!
I am demanding they raise the temperature on the first floor of Olin. As it stands now, it is far too cold for my breasts to maintain any kind of social life, let alone suporting (no pun intended) my own.
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