The Man finally won Saturday after Jesse Brown ’06 accidentally slept through his alarm, missing the pivotal protest against heteronormative gender roles in breakfast cereals and providing the needed opportunity for The Man’s army of darkness to take over.
The protest, organized by Students Aligned to Stop Heteronormativity Against Youth (SASHAY), drew a crowd of nearly 12 in New York City, but without vital member Brown, efforts were futile.
“For far too long, cereals such as Cap’n Crunch have reinforced gender-normative stereotypes, such as the leadership role of males in the militaristic paradigm that is America,” said protestor Dana Moench ’05. “This protest was pivotal in ending the domination of this product of The Man. Unfortunately, Jesse bought cheap batteries for his alarm clock. That asshat.”
Sources have failed to confirm exactly why Saturday’s protest was the final step in The Man’s ultimate domination, but Professor Thomas Wertheimer, left department-less after The Man’s dissolution of the American Studies department, offered a theory.
“Breakfast cereals being such a major part of every child’s balanced breakfast, it’s clear that their subversion by The Man played a important role his overall success in the long-fought battle between him and the marginalized Left,” Wertheimer said.
From his new office in Washington, D.C., furnished with threatened redwood paneling and adorned with white rhino heads, The Man appeared confident in commenting on his victory.
“Young Mr. Brown’s efforts, along with the rest of SASHAY, were the last thing keeping me from complete domination,” The Man said. “I am now free to oppress all minorities, make little hats of endangered species, approve off-campus points and support only the progress of the straight white man. Just try and stick it to me now, Wesleyan. Mwa ha ha. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.”
Added The Man, “Heh. Whoo.”
Brown appeared visibly upset Saturday, still in his pajamas and speaking from his Butterfield C room.
“Not to play the blame game or anything, but I was using Duracell—The Man’s batteries,” he said. “I guess I should have known better.”
Fellow SASHAY member Justin Golby ’05 reported being dismayed but not surprised.
“Jesse was such an important member of SASHAY, I’m not surprised The Man saw our fatal weakness and finally won,” he said. “I spent so long sticking it to the man; now I know how it feels to have it stuck to me. I’m pretty bummed about this ironic turn of events.”
Responding to Golby’s comments, The Man said, “At last, it has come full circle! Once, you were the sticker and I the stickee! But now, I am the sticker! I am the sticker! Mwa ha ha! Et cetera.”
Campus groups associated with anti-Man action, encompassing approximately 2700 undergraduate and 300 graduate students, gathered in front of North College on Sunday to protest the coup.
“The people divided were never defeated… until now,” shouted Liz Weiskopf ’07 from the steps. “Whose streets? Okay, The Man’s streets. But we don’t have to take it!”
The protest lasted approximately 5 minutes before being broken up by The Man’s storm troopers, formerly known as Public Safety. At press time 100 students reported having been hit with pepper balls, one of whom may or may not have vomited.
“Robble robble gargle mwah fwah bippy victory is mine,” said President Doug Bennet from his home, now heavily fortified by storm troopers. “Shoo doop be bop, I shall be vindicated at last. Scotch.”
The Man’s minions arrived on campus early Sunday morning to collect all WSA funding for activist or charity organizations.
“You won’t be needing this any more, suckers!” shouted one minion, dollar bills spilling from his overstuffed pockets. “That’s another new Hummer for me! Boo! Yah!”
Fearing scapegoating, Brown spoke from an undisclosed location inside the WSA office Sunday.
“I honestly didn’t realize I was so important,” Brown said. “Please don’t hate me, guys. Please?”
At press time, most Wesleyan students who did not vandalize property while intoxicated reported hating Brown 0 to 5 times per hour.
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