Three weeks ago, University President Doug Bennet and his wife Midge embarked upon a relaxing, ten day trip to Africa. Little did they know that their hearts would be captured by an adorable young orphan, who completely won them over with his big eyes, amiable personality and long snout.
“We adopted an anteater,” said Bennet proudly. “It cost more money than we thought, but we sold some of Midge’s thimble collection to fund the adoption. She had tears in her eyes when she handed over her most treasured one, which she purchased at a Harley Davidson convention in northern Montana last spring. I comforted her though, and assured her that we can buy another one when we ride back out there next year.”
The three made it safely into the U. S., and after a slight altercation with a frightened taxi driver, arrived back at the university. Shortly after their return, the Bennets realized that they had not yet named their anteater.
“Midge suggested we call him either Snuggles or Boo-boo,” said Bennet. “While I appreciated her creativity, I figured that we should help make our boy feel as at home as possible at Wesleyan. Thus, I decided we’d call him Gravity Bong, G-Bong for short.”
Already, G-Bong is becoming quite well known around the University. Most days, if you chance to pass by South College around noon, you will behold the touching sight of President Bennet and his anteater taking a pre-lunch stroll together. While these walks are almost always nothing short of tranquil, this past Tuesday was an exception.
“G-Bong chewed through his leash and uhhh, attacked an innocent bystander,” Bennet said, embarrassed. “The bystander was a biology professor, who whipped a test tube out of his pocket and smashed it over G-Bong’s head. I thought it an extreme reaction on his part, but luckily G-Bong left with only a gash over his left eyebrow. If more serious damage had been done, I might have had to rearrange this teacher’s molecular structure.”
According to several university students, G-Bong is, simply put, a huge pain in the ass. He occasionally wanders around campus unsupervised, and has been known to cause mischief in some of the dorms.
“He somehow got into my room and chewed up this month’s issue of ‘Jugs,’” complained one male Butt C resident, who prefers to be unidentified, as he likes to perpetuate the image that he doesn’t need a magazine in order to see lots of jugs. “I mean, it wouldn’t have been as bad if the anteater had eaten the bottom half of the magazine, but he tore apart the TOP half! That little bastard. Someone should feed him ant poison.”
Speaking of feeding, the one thing the Bennets never expected was that their adoptee would be looked upon by some students as if he were a juicy steak.
“G-Bong is cute, so cute that I could just eat him up…literally,” said Clara Moskowitz ’05. “I was eyeing him the other day, and thinking to myself ‘Mmm, you would go damn well with potatoes. And maybe some white wine.’ No not white- red. I doubt Bennet would ever let me pay for him with my points, though. Wait never mind, I just recently learned that only Satan eats meat.”
When G-Bong is not busy dodging the hungry stare of students ultra low on points, chances are he is out playing the part of a good, old fashioned thief.
“That anteater thing stole my entire bag of Soy Crisps!” complained Sonny Koch ’06. I mean, I’d have given him a couple if he asked, but he took them all without permission! It’s like hello, those things cost money! All in all, it wasn’t a very Christian thing to do, and I hope he gets run over by a bus. A large bus, not one of those little yellow ones.“
Bennet is quick to defend these insults, giving various reasons as to why G-Bong really is neither a detriment to the university nor a waste of life in general.
”He will be very helpful come the warm weather,“ said Bennet. ”If students have ants in their room, they can call me at my office, and I’ll let them borrow G-Bong for an hour or so. However, all students are forbidden from smoking my boy up. Punishment for this offense is serious – all of the accused will be forced to move into Well-Being House.“
Continuing his list of why G-Bong is an asset to the university, Bennet expresses his regret that the anteater was not around to help during the chalking moratorium last year.
”With that long tongue of his, G-Bong could have gone around and erased all of that unnecessary radicalism,“ said Bennet. ”We wouldn’t have had to spend all that money on manpower and all of those miniature zamboni-like machines. Then maybe our university would have been only the ninth most expensive college in the country.“
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