Information Technology Services (ITS) issued a statement yesterday warning students about a mutated version of the MSBlaster virus that disabled the campus network at the beginning of the summer.
The new virus, nicknamed “MSClap” and classified by ITS as a Cybersexually Transmitted Disease (CSTD), jumps not only from computer to computer, but from computer to human, from human to human and from human to human via computer.
“This one will put you up shit creek without a paddle,” the statement read. “It’s outrageous and highly contagious.”
Doctors at the Davison Health Center first discovered the CSTD outbreak on Tuesday. A student, who did not wish to be named for fear of forever being called “The Clapper,” was transported to the Health Center at approximately 3 p.m., complaining of hot flashes, achy joints and bad Campus Center food.
The Clapper was evaluated by Dr. Davis Smith, who initially suspected a more run-of-the-mill sexually transmitted disease (STD). Further inquiry into The Clapper’s computer history, however, clarified the true nature of the virus.
“What matters is what people are putting in what orifice,” Smith said. “So when The Clapper told me about the iBook, I knew.”
The Clapper traced the virus transmission to a wireless rendezvous on the steps of Olin Library. He noted that the laptop was open and information was flowing freely.
“I thought I was being safe,” The Clapper said. “I used a Macintosh and everything.”
Unfortunately, while MSBlaster and related worm viruses were isolated to the PC community, MSClap has penetrated the Mac world. The virus immediately entered The Clapper’s body and was transmitted to other vessels throughout the evening.
By Wednesday morning, every member of the Boogie Club, five campus dining workers, all of Clark and three rows of computers in PAC Lab were infected. Director of Technology Support Services Ganesan Ravishanker estimated that half of campus, humans and machines alike, is now afflicted with the disease.
“We were so excited about the wireless potential on campus,” Ravishanker said. “And I think we still should be. Blame the Clapper, not the machines!”
Ravishanker is currently developing virus protection software that will guard specifically against MSClap. Along with a cleansing zip disc, the preventative kit will consist of matching latex suits for you and your computer.
“For Macs and their users, I’m going with a mellow yellow color,” Ravishanker said. “PC suits will be sensibly black.”
Ravishanker said that the suits would not infringe upon the dirty hippy lifestyle that so many students enjoy on this campus, requiring only biweekly cleaning. He also said that students and their computers would still be able to interact “privately” in the stacks in Olin.
“This is going to be the ultimate suit in terms of durability and flexibility, providing the most pleasurable computing experience,” Ravishanker said. “We’re hoping to come out with a ribbed model next month.”
Ravishanker and the ITS team said they are certain that the new suits will stop the virus dead in its tracks. Meanwhile, The Clapper and the students, Macs and PCs that he infected are just plain screwed.
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