Ah, Fiona Apple. Dark, bitter, angsty. I think she said it best when she said, “hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.” Well, what do you do if you don’t want to love? I mean, most of us on this campus aren’t looking for Mr./Ms. Right—We’re looking for Mr./Ms. Right NOW! But it seems so damn hard. You’ve seen him at Open House, you hollered at her at Psi U—now what do you do? Make an appointment with the love dentist, get your fill of love advice, and walk away with a smile. Here are some of this week’s conundrums.
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Dear Love Dentist,
I’ve been hooking up with this guy, and at first we decided hooking up was the way to go, but now I’m starting to have feelings for him. I mean, I actually want to try and have a relationship. How do I let him know without freaking him out?
Sincerely,
Smitten Kitten
Dear Smitten,
You need to keep it real. I don’t know you all that well, but the fact that you sought the advice of the love dentist shows that you’re smart, hot, and ready for a change. This makes you fabulous. If this boy can’t see that, he isn’t worth the time anyway, is he? To find out if he’s hot or not, TALK TO HIM. Arrange a time where the two of you can meet, in a neutral, but non public zone. If you’re out in front of the Campus Center, people could interrupt your chat 24/7, and he could get sidetracked. If you’re in either one of your rooms, you could not feel comfortable. Do not attempt to share your feelings via telephone. We’re all fluent in body language, and without those subtle clues, it’s hard to know where someone’s coming from all the time. I suggest a chit chat in a dorm lounge, when it’s quiet. There you can tell him how you’re feeling, without forcing him to make a decision right away. Explain that you like him, and can’t handle the in between this anymore. Tell him he can let it marinate for a while if he needs to think. And once you get an answer, no matter what he says, know that you tried and were honest and that’s all you can do.
Molars,
The Love Dentist
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Dear Love Dentist,
I hooked up with this guy last weekend and ever since he’s been all up in my grill. What should I do? I like him, and would like to keep shagging, but he’s not getting the picture. How can I get this bug a boo off my back?
Fo Sheezy,
Bugged.
Dear Bugged,
Who is this stalker without a clue, and what did you do to deserve this?! You must tell him that though you like him, this intensity is not working for you. Tell him you don’t want a boy to bug you up in club Olin when you’re trying to get your learn on. If he doesn’t understand that he needs to slow down the party train, I suggest you get off and hop on board a car on cruise control.
Bicuspids,
The Love Dentist
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Dear Love Dentist,
My girlfriend lives in South Africa, and I’m in Middletown. How can I get out my “tension” (if you know what I mean) when I’m in love with this other person?
Sincerely,
Horny
Dear Horny,
You can love someone and fuck other people. People hate to admit it, but it’s true. And you can love your woman but acknowledge that you have needs that can’t be met in a long distance relationship where you don’t know when you’ll see the person. If you don’t get what you need, your sexual tension will build up like tartar, and we all know what that leads to. They say “love means never having to say you’re sorry”—I say “love means never having to go to bed alone!” If you do not agree, and have “morals” or “scruples,” I suggest you log onto toysinbabeland.com, and find yourself a mechanical friend that helps you maintain monogamy.
Listerine,
The Love Dentist
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Dear Love Dentist,
I am totally hung up on this guy I asked out a couple weeks ago. We had all this chemistry and constantly flirted. When I finally popped the question he totally flaked out on me, and now we’re not even friends. Do you think he
secretly wants me?
– Hung up
Dear Hung up,
No, he does not want you. I hate to say it. And if he does, he’s living in a bizarro world where everyday is Opposite Day, cause that is not the kind of behavior a guy who likes you displays. I want you to repeat the following words: Erase, Replace, Embrace, New Face. This boy is not even worth it. The sooner you find someone new, the happier you’ll be. In other words: “Hung up” you need to HANG UP on this foolio!
Gargle and spit!
– The Love Dentist
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