The Wesleyan men and women cross country teams were disqualified from the Masters Of Bates Race on Saturday after making what Maine state troopers called “unwise decisions” in protest to course modifications.
New additions to the Bates course included massive amounts of dog poo and several rabid animals. These obstacles were added after Bob Bader, a senior runner at Bates, suggested the course was too easy and proceeded to get permission from several Division III authorities to add new challenges.
“Master Bader was blatantly trying to prevent us from going on to Master Bates,” said a distraught Owen “Uncle Owie” Kiely ’06. “We weren’t going to take that crap, so we decided to take matters into our own hands.”
The team proceeded to build life size robots of themselves and enter them into the race. The robots emitted toxic odors, shoved runners from other teams and occasionally set things on fire.
“It was my brilliant idea, and I am proud to admit that, but I didn’t realize it would cause a forest fire, two deaths and some jaywalking,” commented senior Captain Bryan “Bones” Bissell. “We were like the United States and Bates was like Iraq, except the only oil there was in Master Bader’s supply closet.”
The creation of destructive robots was not enough for the Cardinals. Mike “Mad Dog” Brady ’07decided to get drunk before the race, and subsequently forgot that his team wasn’t going to run in it. After the gun sounded for the start of the race, Brady tackled the starter and began groping his chest. Matt “The Tanko” Franco ’07 and Jon “Diddle Monster” Kraus ’04 had to pull Brady off of the bewildered eighty-year-old man.
“I was pretty trashed I guess. You got a Coors Light?” Brady, who is Irish and also thought the race was against the Vassar Brewers, said after the incident. Then he fell over. The starter escaped with minor nipple bruises, but he accidentally shot a runner from Tufts during Brady’s delusional misadventure.
Eddie “Money” Kenney ’07, who was not as drunk as Brady, decided to go streaking on the course. Unfortunately, a rabid raccoon bit off his toe in the process, so Nick “Saturday Night” Holowka ’07 bit off the raccoon’s left ear in retaliation.
“They sewed my toe back on in the ambulance, but they sewed it on the wrong foot, so I have seven toes on my left foot now. To make things even worse, the ambulance driver told me they were taking me to a hospital in Canada, but instead they dumped me out at the top of Niagara Falls,” Kenney recalled after the incident. He is currently in stable condition at Yale New Haven Hospital.
Despite doing absolutely nothing against any regulations, the Wesleyan Women were disqualified from their race as well.
“They sent a team of squad cars and a S.W.A.T. Team to escort us out of the state before the race began,” said Courtney Quirin ’05. “I really didn’t think that was necessary. All we were doing was stretching and munching on lettuce.”
“At least they didn’t tell us to assume the position and drop our shorts like they did when they spanked the boys a few minutes before,” said Brittany Allen ’04.
Several charges will be filed against the Wesleyan cross country teams within the next few weeks. President Doug Bennett was asked to comment on the matter yesterday, and he issued the following statement: “The members of the cross country team deserve to get the chair.”
We think that he was just joking.
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