– Only movies with “America” in the title can be shown. (e.g. American Pie, Beauty, History X, Psycho, Virgin, Pie 2, Movie, Wedding, etc.)
– Part of the culture of attractive people is called “making out.” As of now, no ugly people can make out. (editors’ note: We do this despite repercussions it will have on our love lives. We are selfless.)
– Movies like Fritz Lang’s masterpiece “Metropolis” can only be watched if you are a) German b) A huge woman robot thing, or c) a film snob. It’s totally a culture.
– You cannot wear mesh hats unless you a) drive a truck b) are way hip c) buy a trucker hat at Urban Outfitters.
– Don’t wear black rubber suits unless you are Batman! Or into that sort of thing.
– Animal House must release a special digitally remastered edition where all the frat guys are wearing suits instead of togas. Togas are roman. Frats are Greek. And Togas are bedsheets! They’re so funny! They’re wearing bedsheets like they’re clothes! Ha Ha! (editors’ note: That was offensive. Please disregard it. Or WRITE A WESPEAK!)
– Steven Segal is totally out of line being a Ninja. He’s so doughy.
– Steven Segal is also totally out of line being doughy. He does not belong to the Poppin’ Fresh/Pillsbury culture.
– Michael Jackson should stop appropriating white culture. And “Bad” culture. Because he is not bad. He’s scary.
– No more tattoos of Japanese characters. You are simply appropriating significant parts of other cultures without thinking about what they mean. Really. That sweet tat you think says “Power?” It actually says “Dog Balls.” Stick with good old American tattoos, like Calvin peeing on something, like a Chevy or the words “My Ex.” Ha! Priceless. That tattoo’s got longevity.
– American white folk can only listen to country music. And Gregorian chants. If they live in a castle.
– Written language was originally a facet of Mesopotamian culture. From now on, the Ampersand will look like the Comics page.
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