Me: Hey.
Yoga Boy: Hey.
Me: You’re in my yoga class, right?
Yoga Boy: Yeah, totally.
Me: What do you think of the class so far? I think it’s really hard. It’s weird though, I pretty much fart my way through the whole thing. I guess I just store all of my tension in my ass or something. Or I’m just a big ol’ fart machine.
Yoga Boy: Umm. Yeah.
Me: Hoodoggey! Fart fart fart! That’s me!
Yoga Boy uses his yoga to become invisible.
Devra vs. Neighbor Boy
Me: Sooo…This looks like it’s a fun party…
Boy I See Everywhere Because He’s My Neighbor but Doesn’t Realize it: Yeah, totally.
Me: Where are you living this year?
B.I.S.E.B.H.M.N.B.D.R.I: Pine.
Me: Wow, Pine? Me too! Where on Pine?
B.I.S.E.B.H.M.N.B.D.R.I.: Slurs something or another and points towards a lighting fixture. I press on regardless.
Me: Me too! Or not, depending on what you said! Anyway, I’d love to see your house sometime. Want to walk me home?
B.I.S.E.B.H.M.N.B.D.R.I: Slowly lowers self to floor and pretends to pass out.
Devra vs. Class Boy
Me: Wow, you are really good at Beirut.
Class boy: Thanks.
Me: Aren’t you in that class with me?
Class boy: Uh, yeah, I guess so.
Me: What do you think of the professor?
Class boy: He’s alright, I guess.
Me: Do you want to make-out with me?
Class boy: Umm, I have to…go?
Me: I’ll walk you.
Class boy: I have to go…have a contagious disease.
Me: Oh…
Class boy runs to registrar and drops that class we have together.
Moral(s):
Don’t mention farting habits when first attempting to pick up boys. That should only be handled by the pros.
If the boy fakes unconsciousness, this should not be interpreted as defeat on your part, but rather a convenient opportunity.
Remember to put on deodorant the next time you go out.
Also, try to be tall, pretty, blond and non-chalantly sexual.
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