There’s a fine line between passion and snobbery. And I have a passion for film. She is that old faithful lover to whom you return to be replenished. She is the whisper in your ear that makes gives you comfort in an awkward situation. She is the leftover honey that sticks to the bottom of a mug after you drink all of the chamomile tea that was once contained within.
That said, I can’t apologize for any snobbery discovered by you, dearest reader, within this selflessly written column. As a film snob, I have gained a number of inalienable rights: The Rights of The Film Snob or TROTFS.
First and foremost of these is the right to be a total snob whenever the hell you want, common courtesy be damned. This right is a sort of umbrella right, as all other rights fall under the right to be a snob. This is obviously the most important right of TROTFS.
Second, is the right to make any film recommendation to anyone, even if you don’t know the person or the person’s taste (which is invariably less refined than yours). In lieu of a title, a director’s body of work may also be recommended. This person must watch said recommended title in the next 10 days, or else the film snob reserves the right to cut off all social interaction with said individual. The snob may also cut off interaction if the individual does not like said recommended title.
Third, is the right to pass judgment on a film and to let it be known throughout the valleys, meadows and multiplexes that your judgment is the correct opinion. (However, it should be noted that passing judgment does not require actually having viewed the film in question). This judgment is henceforth considered the Word and is written as such in the Great Book. We look to the Great Book for truth.
The fourth and fifth of TROTFS govern the interaction of multiple film snobs with one another. As we all know, too many film snobs in one room can often lead to a nasty brawl or an official challenge. These rules serve to control situations that could turn ugly and endanger the safety of laypeople.
Four: if two official film snobs pass opposing judgments on a film, they reserve the right to settle the discrepancy in a pistol duel. The winner’s opinion is deemed correct and becomes the Word, written down in the Great Book.
Five: In an official film snob pistol duel, if the loser is shot but not killed, he is forced to watch “Big Mama’s House” for five days straight. Then his status as film snob is revoked.
Rule six of TROTFS concerns how one can officially be recognized as a film snob. It is broken down into subsections.
Six: Laypeople becomes a film snob when they:
a. Have the running time of at least 35 films committed to memory.
b. Learn multiple foreign languages in order to appreciate foreign films without looking at the subtitles, which disrupts the filmmaker’s intended visual experience.
c. Keep an address book of the names of his or her favorite film characters followed by the date of the first time he or she first saw that film and a guess of what that character’s phone number would be.
d. Have a completely pathetic love life because they have no time for romance with any lover who is not named Cinema.
e. Have been burnt by exploding Nitrate film stock.
f. Would die for cinema.
or:
g. Send $850 dollars (tax deductable) to The Society of Film Snobs, care of M. Goldblatt, 222 Church St., Box 4458, Middletown, CT, 06459, USA.
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