We’ve been hearing a lot of rumors lately, and we wanted to set the record straight. There will be NO stoppage in the production of professional pornographic movies. We are on the job, and we will be on the job, construction the exciting plots and filthy dialogues for your favorite bleach-blonde minxes and well-hung studs. The Porn Writer’s Guild has made sure that they will stay on the job by making plenty of generous concessions to our producers.
Atonementos
Synopsis:
Do do do doooooo, do doooo, do waaaaaaaah!
It doesn’t matter what comes, fresh goes better in life,
Atonementos fresh and full of life!
Nothin gets to you, even rape or World War I,
Atonementos fresh and full of life!
Fresh goes better with Keira Knightley,
Fresh goes better with Atonementos, avoiding rape allegations!
Atonementos! The Freshmaker.
Presidents have lots of meetings. The other day I had to go to a MENSA meeting. They didn’t let me inside, but there were lots of smart dudes in the parking lot. I stared at the sun for a while, did a very tricky Parade crossword puzzle [hint for 19 down: The sixteenth president who also freed the slaves is “Michael (space) S (space) Roth”], then did a few puzzles in my Black Belt Sudoku book, and figured out a riddle (his horse is named Friday).
So, Argus, you’re gonna try and lowball us, eh? Think you can compete with the lowbrow humor we churn out? Think you can just pop out a Friday Argus with a frontpage headline about fellatio and think we won’t notice?
Last Friday, David Kaczynski, brother of serial mail-bomber Ted Kaczynski, lectured at Buddhist House. Apparently, Kaczynski, executive director of New Yorkers Against the Death Penalty, was so well-received that the administration has begun a “Brothers of Homicidal Murderers Lecture Series.”
Hear ye, hear ye! It is the most splendiferous of pleasures to extend a hearty congratulations to Mister Andrew Perechocky, member of the graduating class of the year 2008, and the first official winner of the Ampersand Reverse Caption Contest.
Want your name to appear in the same sentence as an oversized ‘W’, like Jason Bitterman ’10, winner of our last installment of the Reverse Caption Contest? The Ampersand gives you that chance! Once again, here are the rules: Each week, we’ll give you a caption, and it’s your job to draw a cartoon for it.
To show our solidarity with the television writer’s union, as well as the oft-neglected stagehand’s union, the Ampersand is on strike. Like our brothers in comedic arms, we demand revenue from the millions, if not billions, if not tens of dollars that the Argus is making off our comedic genius by putting Ampersand articles online (wesleyanargus.com go right now!).
Entering the unassuming britches of Hannah Peterberg ’10, one finely put together lass from the sandy shores of eastern North Carolina, I was greeted with the warm aromas of welcoming femininity, coupled with a dash of pine tree bark and a sprinkle of autumnal breeze. It was like strolling through the Appalachians on a brisk October morn, with old Mother Nature thanking you for waking her up, but still slapping back at you as if you were some ambulatory snooze button.
A current theory is that the fundamental model of physics is comprised of single strand objects called strings. The theory is an attempt to disprove the standard model of particle physics made of point particles. Drawing from numerous theories, the string theory (or superstring theory as it is sometimes called) could unify all the natural forces under the same equations (otherwise known as the theory of everything).