Editor's note: Shit hits fan; fan files charges

So, Argus, you're gonna try and lowball us, eh? Think you can compete with the lowbrow humor we churn out? Think you can just pop out a Friday Argus with a frontpage headline about fellatio and think we won't notice? Well we guess you'll want this knife back then; the one sticking out of our fucking back! Racism, serial killers, and balls, all in one issue. And they said it couldn't be done.

- Brendan, Brian, & Gelman

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.