When I came to Wesleyan nigh onto four years ago, things were a bit different round these parts: existence was still in black and white, movies were referred to as “talkies,” and women — once derided as “barnacles on the good ship Wesleyan” by a trustee — were making their glorious return to Wesleyan University. I arrived at Wesleyan in the fall of ’aught-four, a strapping young college lad with suitcase in hand and ascot in neck.
Every issue of Cosmogirl since the early 15th century there has been a section called “Cosmogirl Embarrassing Secrets.” These stories are composed by readers willing to reveal their most embarrassing stories to the readership composed of 13-year-old girls and 35-year-old men. Here are some of the more memorable juicy secrets that Cosmogirls, and men, couldn’t keep to themselves:
To the greatest of all contraceptive drugs
That makes it okay to give too-close hugs
Getting “like, so drunk” last Friday night
Before you was never so all right
Sexy Single: Kraft Single
This Kraft Single isn’t gonna be single for long. At first I thought it was Jane Mansfield. I’m gonna marry this cheese someday.
Tennessee: Before he dropped out, native Fred Thompson won over many voters with his pro-moonshinin’ stance.
North Dakota: Primary not actually taking place, as North Dakota is a figment of our collective imaginations.
Arkansas: Dispensed with any pretense and just put Bill’s name on the ballot.
Well, it’s that time of year again: that time of year when there’s a primary for the presidency of the United States. Now, whether you staunchly support the Whigs, or you’re just a complete Know-Nothing, there’s one thing we can all agree on: whatever Mitt Romney’s real name is, it’s gotta be better than Mitt. Even if his real name is Mitten.
You may be sitting at your desk, reading this article, wondering why, exactly, Mr. Smith will inexorably become the greatest American president in the history of presidents. You may also be a pedophile, but who’s counting. What you need to know is this, and this alone: Will Smith has saved the world 27 times. Zombies, aliens, robots, giant steam-powered antebellum mechanical spiders — you name it, Will Smith has saved the world from it.
Hey, so, guys. Hey. This is Dan Cerruti. Now, as I’m sure all of our one or two regular readers know (hi, mom and dad!), I didn’t write for the Ampersand last semester. Rumors have been circulating that I’ve been abroad in some whacked out, shit hole country like Denmark, but that’s all nonsense, I tells ya, nonsense! And shenanigans!
A young female writer scribed this editor’s note while hiding in tight quarters from the Writer’s Guild. Although the guild eventually found her and took her to a rally outside of Los Angeles, they were unable to find her diary. Believing it to be somewhat hilarious, her father sent the diary to us with the intention that it be published for the whole world to read.
In light of the recent writer’s strike we decided to write our own television episode of the new CBS sitcom “Welcome to the Captain.” However, we have never seen this show, nor do we know much about it. On the CBS website we were able to find out the characters’ names and a brief description of them.