What’s on voter’s minds?: A state-by-state breakdown of Super Tuesday super states

By Andrew “Refried” Bean

Tennessee: Before he dropped out, native Fred Thompson won over many voters with his pro-moonshinin' stance.

North Dakota: Primary not actually taking place, as North Dakota is a figment of our collective imaginations.

Arkansas: Dispensed with any pretense and just put Bill's name on the ballot.

Massachusetts: Currently rates the candidates in the following manner; Barack Obama: black queeyah, Mitt Romney: Mormon queeyah, Hillary Clinton: lady queeyah, Dennis Kucinich: queeyaha than a three dolla bill, David Ortiz: WICKED CLUTCH!

Alaska: Will vote for the candidate with the most creative proposal to despoil their land.

Arizona: John McCain has ignored his Republican constituents' pleas to build a moat on the border, possibly leaving an opening for pro-moat Mitt Romney.

Utah: Obama hopes to get the support of the state's black community, a.k.a. two guys on the Utah Jazz.

Colorado: While behind in the rest of the state, Mike Huckabee runs strong in the “Obscenely- Sized Church Belt” around Colorado Springs.

Alabama: Huckabee sowed up the vote here when he played “Freebird” on his guitar at a Tuscaloosa-area bar.

Georgia: Once again will be supporting The Presidents of the United States of America because of their pro-peach cannery platform.

Delaware: Who really gives a shit, anyways?

Illinois: Obama could strangle a kitten on live TV here and still win.

Kansas: Wants an Arabian Stallion, to one-up Missouri.

Missouri: Still waiting on the pony promised them by George H.W. Bush in 1988.

California: We don't trust their input. Due to the rampant success of the film Twins, many still believe they voted for Danny DeVito.

New York: Strictly abide by the Giuliani axiom; will vote for the first candidate to wear a Yankees hat.

New Jersey: All other candidates conceded the race to Springsteen months ago.

Connecticut: Heartily supporting Ron Paul due to his passionate “Bring Back the Whalers!” platform.

New Mexico: There's a NEW Mexico?!?

This article was posted in the print edition as part of the Wesleyan Argus Ampersand. It is satire and should not be construed as fact.