Seriously, guys? You want to argue against Britney Spears? Every guy our age with a functioning pair of testicles remembers her first album. The woman that Forbes called “the world’s most powerful celebrity” got big when you and I were in middle school, which you may remember as the Ground Zero of American puberty. Considering how saddled with integrity she is, do you really believe that Taylor Swift could ever rival her impact?
Girls of my year walked through the halls singing her songs. When boys of my year walked through the halls, they thought of her occasionally, and then shifted their math textbooks to cover the fronts of their pants. She was sixteen when Rolling Stone took photos of her in her underwear. Despite a total lack of genuine talent or insight, she understood the crass desires at the heart of adolescence, which in our case meant a desperate need for some kind of sexual release. Simply put, she was an object, which is about as honest a portrayal as a pop star should ever strive for.
Don’t believe me? Think back to Britney’s height. She appeared in a music video in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform, which officially marked her appeal as outright pedophilia. More importantly, though, she had political impact, as evidenced by her appearance in Pepsi commercial in 2001. Aired during the Super Bowl, the ad featured a probably-enhanced Bob Dole sitting in a La-Z-Boy, big-screen laid out before him, as Britney Spears gyrated in a parody of a personal striptease. The message, completely unrelated to Pepsi, was clear: This woman gives Bob Dole a hard-on. What other pop star can boast that she serviced an American veteran?
Taylor Swift is a talented musician and a good person, yes. But she is not a pop star. Britney Spears represents the lowest of the low, a candy wrapped in a present of which music is only the bow. Her existence stands as a totem to our oafishness and arrested development. What more (or less) could you ask for?