Death Match: Britney Spears

, by Thom Beckwith, Executive Editor

Seriously, guys? You want to argue against Britney Spears? Every guy our age with a functioning pair of testicles remembers her first album. The woman that Forbes called “the world’s most powerful celebrity” got big when you and I were in middle school, which you may remember as the Ground Zero of American puberty. Considering how saddled with integrity she is, do you really believe that Taylor Swift could ever rival her impact?

Girls of my year walked through the halls singing her songs. When boys of my year walked through the halls, they thought of her occasionally, and then shifted their math textbooks to cover the fronts of their pants. She was sixteen when Rolling Stone took photos of her in her underwear. Despite a total lack of genuine talent or insight, she understood the crass desires at the heart of adolescence, which in our case meant a desperate need for some kind of sexual release. Simply put, she was an object, which is about as honest a portrayal as a pop star should ever strive for.

Don’t believe me? Think back to Britney’s height. She appeared in a music video in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform, which officially marked her appeal as outright pedophilia. More importantly, though, she had political impact, as evidenced by her appearance in Pepsi commercial in 2001. Aired during the Super Bowl, the ad featured a probably-enhanced Bob Dole sitting in a La-Z-Boy, big-screen laid out before him, as Britney Spears gyrated in a parody of a personal striptease. The message, completely unrelated to Pepsi, was clear: This woman gives Bob Dole a hard-on. What other pop star can boast that she serviced an American veteran?

Taylor Swift is a talented musician and a good person, yes. But she is not a pop star. Britney Spears represents the lowest of the low, a candy wrapped in a present of which music is only the bow. Her existence stands as a totem to our oafishness and arrested development. What more (or less) could you ask for?

  • Britney fan

    lol at total lack of genuine talent.
    She is a great dancer,in fact the best female dancer alive ,which is obviously a form of talent.Britney can write songs e.g My prerogative,piece of me,everytime etc.. She can choreograph e.g piece of me,gimme more etc..She is a producer.She has produced her self titled album “Britney Spears”.She can design her own dresses,she has started a new fashion line.She may not be the best singer but she is way better than JLo,madonna etc..

  • Britney fan

    Britney’s vocal range=3.5
    madonna’s vocal range=2
    JLo=2 .
    2 octaves is the range of untrained vocalists.If you can accept Madonna as a singer why should you be judgemental about Britney.I have seen Britney doing an incredible amount of dancing and unbelievably complex moves in her live shows. Beyonce and JLo can only shake their ass in their live shows. Britney can perform gymnastics and acrobatics on stage.Britney was an accomplished gymnast and a basketball player in her school days.She got the “most loved dancer” award in Mickey mouse club at the age of 10.There were elder kids in MMC but Britney could outshine everyone.

  • Britney fan

    Her producers are making her sing in false voice.Just see her Mickey mouse club videos.She had a totally different voice and a different way of singing.They are pushing her mid-nasal voice to make it sound like pop. Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit a 3.5 note when you are singing in false voice.Britney could do that in “stronger” and in “cindrella”.If you sing in false voice over a period of time your actual voice would be ruined.Instead of helping Britney improve her range,they have ruined her true voice.
    But Britney still has the essence.she rocks.

  • mrs. lolzalot

    LOLZ

  • spearsfan

    I agree with Britney fan. Britney had a one of a kind voice. Don’t believe me? Watch her videos when she was in Star Search, and the Mickey Mouse Club. That was pure talent, considering she had started her career at the age of 10. Britney can sing, no doubt, unfortanetly, something had happened to her voice just as she hit stardom. It could’ve been anything. I believe her voice was not maturally developed, and when she started going all nasal-y, she got used to that sense of singing, and truly lost the essence of her powerful voice. Other than that, she is an amazing dancer, writer/producer of many of her own songs, and is an overall sweet down to earth girl. The only thing that bothers me is that people don’t take Britney so serious which really angers me because she can sing, she just lost her voice =( I LOVE YOU BRITNEY I WILL ALWAYS LOVE AND BELIEVE IN YOU!!

  • Jhayden911

    Anyone who thinks dear old Brit has any kind of range(3.5?) obviously either can’t hear or is a real big fan of hers. They need to put down other singers just to hype up a singer who obviously can’t hit a note at all(J. lo and Madonna only at 2? Really??????)

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