It gives me great pleasure, as the assitant to the deputy manager of Auxiliary Services of Wesleyan University, to release this floor plan of the new Suzanne Lemberg Usdan University Center (name is subject to change depending on the outcome of our lawsuit with Suzanne Lemberg Usdan University). We’re so pumped about this place we had to rank the plans in numerical order from greatest to favorite.

1. Slapjack’s Chicken Shack: This pirate-themed grill knows that there’s more than one way to pluck a chicken, deep-fry it, and then dip it in your choice of sauces. We also have options for vegans: be quiet, or leave.

2. Pro-Oppression library: Once we heard that 200 Church was at work on an anti-oppression library, we felt we would balance out the campus discussion with a library dedicated to fighting discrimination against unfairness.

3. Even more treadmills: We decided we would just throw in a workout center. If all of these treadmills get taken, simply ask someone on a machine if you can be next, then go about doing something else. Because the definition of “waiting your turn” is actually “getting someone to reserve something so you can fuck off and do whatever you want while everyone else wastes their lives away because they aren’t being pushy douches.”

4. Martin Benjamin’s Thesaurus: This restaurant is named after the only book that could possibly contain the appropriate adjectives for a fast-casual burrito place/24-hour lesbian folk karaoke bar.