Valentine’s Day never used to be a happy time for Dick Limply ’07. On a holiday that celebrates the wonders of love and obnoxious PDAs, those without a significant other are usually left out, feeling depressed and worthless. Some resort to binge drinking, others to inventing imaginary significant others whose valentines were clearly lost in the mail. Last year, Dick Limply, having endured a painful break-up with his girlfriend from home, ate four pints of Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream to try and eat away the loneliness. “I started out with Jerry Garcia, but that didn’t seem to have enough marshmallows to demonstrate just how lonely I was, so I ate some Phish food,” Dick reports. “Before I knew it, I had eaten a pint of non-fat frozen yogurt. I don’t even remember buying that shit. It was a bad scene.”
This year however, things have turned around for Dick. While initially it seemed that Dick would once again be alone, watching couples make out over pasta in the Campus Center, things took a drastic turn for the better when Dick checked his mail this past Monday. Among the various bills, he discovered an envelope addressed to him from his mother, Eileen Limply. Opening it he discovered a Hallmark card, the front of which featured a prominent drawing of Garfield the Cat with a sassy look upon his face. “How do YOU expect to explain a son like you?…” Garfield seemed to ask. Opening the card, Dick was pleasantly surprised to find the punchline: “…Without bragging?!” Below this clever message was a handwritten message from his mother that read: “Love you! Mom.”
“Man, it turned my entire life around!” Tears appeared in Dick’s eyes as he told of his mother’s kind gesture. “So maybe I won’t be getting laid anytime soon, or experiencing any sort of physical or emotional intimacy, but screw that. My mom loves me! And that’s not the kind of love you can buy or anything.”
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