As the month of February nears its midpoint and the icy stranglehold of winter begins to loosen its frigid grip on the Northeast, forcing out-of-shape college students to bare parts of their flesh that they would rather cover with multiple layers of clothing, one of the most sacred, hallowed holidays in the Christian calendar approaches: Saint Valentine’s Day. St. Valentine’s Day, or “Valentine’s Day,” as the hordes of money-grubbing miserly heathens who profit on this holiest of holy days would have you call it (cough THE JEWS cough), dates back to Ancient Rome. In order to exact revenge on the holiday’s originators – who coincidentally tried to destroy them some two thousand years ago – surviving members of the Hebrew tribe have condemned St. Valentine’s Day, establishing Allentines Day, named for Woody Allen, to take its place.
“We just feel that Allen, a man with horn-rimmed glasses, a nose that inhabits 84% of his face, and the body of a concentration camp survivor, who was still able to bang totally hot shiksas (Jew talk for non-Jewish women), more realistically exemplifies the love life of a Jew than a Catholic saint who was martyred in the year 270,” said Samuel Levine, chairman of N.E.U.R.O.T.I.C. (the National Earthwide Union of Reform Orthodox Torah Inclined Challah-eaters). Added Levine, “Allen’s awkwardness, ineptness and neuroses regarding the opposite sex is something every Jew, man or woman, can relate to. Why, just the other day I was trying to sexually entice a rather attractive female at a local bar, and her hand innocently grazed up against my leg. ‘What does this mean?’ I thought to myself. ‘Is it just one of those moments of incidental contact, or was it her way of subtly telling me that she’s into sadomasochism and wanted me to take her back to my apartment and slam her bitch ass up against a wall?’ By the time I was done contemplating that, three hours later, she was long gone, but the seed for Allentines Day had been planted.”
According to Levine, a typical Allentines Day card will say something like, “you’re great, but I know in my heart that I could do better.” Inside, the giver can list the numerous faults they find with their significant other. An Allentines Day date will consist of taking about three hours to pick out an outfit, but still feeling like you look like crap when you go out. The night will begin with a movie, preferably The Sorrow and the Pity, a four-hour documentary about a French town during the Nazi occupation. Dinner will preferably be eaten at a Chinese restaurant, where both parties will find something wrong with the food, service, or location of the table. The night will end with a prolonged moment of awkwardness, during which both people will want to kiss but not know how to initiate such a move. Sexually unsatisfied, the parties will return to their apartments to masturbate while thinking about Beyonce and Tyson Beckford (not because they are necessarily good-looking, but bringing either of them home would totally piss off their parents).
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