Wesleyan’s safety shuttle was cancelled this weekend, allegedly due to “fifteen to twenty inches of snow” and “hurricane-force winds.” However, intrepid Ampersand reporters have discovered that the blizzard was in fact fabricated by popular cable network MTV, allowing once-reputable-rap-sensation-turned-shitty-reality-show-host Xzibit to surprise escort drivers. Armed with camera crews, he whisked away their beloved vans to southern California to Pimp The RIDE.
University president Doug Bennet took credit for the makeover, declaring, “Hundreds of students gathered at Crowell last semester to voice concerns about The RIDE— the confusing schedule, lack of stops, and fuckin’ lame-ass sound system. I knew this was a job for my homeboy, Xzibit. Mmmmfffblemble. That’s right, mmmmfffblemble. I said it that way on purpose.”
According to urban vehicle outfitters West Coast Customs, the new RIDEs will feature black lights on top and 10-inch screens in every headrest, playing Truffaut’s “Adventures of Antoine Doinel” on a constant loop. They will also be outfitted with Playstations and DDR pads in the back, with plenty of room for dancing next to the hot tub. Each van will also have a fully-stocked minibar, in response to student complaints about tragic soberings-up between parties.
The new vans were unveiled this week during a live MTV special. When Xzibit pulled the giant cloth from the vehicles, President Bennet exclaimed, “Holy shit! Oh my god… this is fucking sweet as hell!” Bennet, holding back tears, declared that “at last, every Wesleyan student can be escorted in a safe and fully-pimped manner.”
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