The former “Zonker Harris Day” is finally no more and I, for one, welcome it.
It is obvious that the students of America’s elite universities should not be permitted to even consider Zonker Harris’s unprofitable lifestyle as an option. War protests, pot smoking, and prolonged relaxation have no place at Wesleyan…not even in jest. This is why our institution’s fearless leaders have had the foresight to censor the incipient thoughts that the title “Zonker Harris” plants in our impressionable minds.
Zonker Harris is not only an opponent of wars that spread freedom and democracy, he is also a user of marijuana! Cannabis, while not particularly harmful in the medical sense, represents a culture of love and soap conservation that is not welcome at Wesleyan. Despite his role as President of Alpha Delt in 1977, I can only assume that our fine University President is personally unfamiliar with this pernicious drug. The staff of ResLife, too, must be innocent of experimentation. Unlike the majority of Americans, our upstanding administrators led an austere college life replete with books, more books, and nothing else. It is understood that they, as pure individuals, maintain the moral authority to condemn students’ recreational use of soft drugs.
Duke Day, as well, should be abolished. Fictional cartoon representations of Hunter S. Thompson—-and any celebration thereof—will only lead students to consider the viewpoints of unsavory authors like Mr. Thompson. Centrist political thought is the only legitimate form of academic cognition; Thompson’s unorthodox perspective is downright unacceptable.
By imposing new titles upon “Zonker Harris Day” and “Duke Day,” we can work together to stymie the dangerous consumption of soft drugs, Doonesbury comics and counterculture literature. We have a mission. We must reeducate the youths.
In the end, it seems that heavy-handed administrative intervention is the only way to convince the no-good, “druggie-hippie” scholars of West College to close their perniciously open minds. Looking toward our leaders in North and South Colleges as role models, we—like them—will have the strength to “just say no” to Garry Trudeau’s thoughtless, Pulitzer Prize-winning garbage.
Thank you, Mr. Roth, for standing up to the WestCo “druggie-hippies.” It is only with your help that we can continue our crusade against Wesleyan’s quirky celebrations…or as you call them, “things that are stupid.”
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