Two Public Safety officers responding to noise complaints on Saturday from Butterfield A entered a room of six students under the influence of psilocybin mushrooms and proceeded to eat the mushrooms and eventually engage in an orgy with the students.
The event was recorded by a surveillance camera installed in the room by a nearby resident for a government class project on the National Security Agency’s spying tactics.
According to Shakira, a criminology expert at the Methamphetamine Laboratory of Salt Lake City, if top public safety officials acquire the tape, “They can expect to receive at least a $50 fine, an extensive talking-to, and one or two expressions of approval in the form of ‘Props, dude’ from friends who have engaged in similar hallucinogen-fueled orgies.”
As displayed in the footage, once the officers entered the room, where the John Mel N. Camp song “This is Our Country” was blasting, they demanded that the music be shut off. One student, who we will call “Olive-oil face” because of the olive oil he had previously poured on his face, switched off the music and asked if the officers wanted to eat the extra eighth of mushrooms they had duct-taped to a Stephen Colbert poster on the wall.
One officer immediately declined and asked if the mushrooms were drugs. After this question, the other officer, who wore Aviator sunglasses and whose ponytail was gently swaying due to the adjacent fan, told his partner that they were probably just mushrooms purchased at WEShop.
The pony-tailed officer, who we will call Sockhead because he later tried to fit a small sock on his head, then asked the students if they had purchased the mushrooms at WEShop, to which they responded affirmatively.
Sockhead then told his partner – who we will call Dinosaur Goddess, because two hours later the students convinced him he had been a goddess who had reigned over the dinosaurs and whose fateful decree of “No sex till Brooklyn” had caused every dinosaur to commit suicide – that they should eat the mushrooms to see if they were of good quality.
“Dude,” the officer said, “ I saw this Argus thing a few months ago saying WEShop has high prices and so, like, dude, like, if we can prove that the mushrooms are good quality, then we can show that WEShop deserves to have high prices.”
Olive-oil face responded to this by saying, “Yea man, it’s like we’re destroying the system, man, fucking the binary up the [rare Portuguese expletive deleted]!”
The film then shows the two officers ingesting the mushrooms. Upon a student’s recommendation, they ate them with Dunkaroos, apparently to lessen the mushrooms’ repugnant taste, and, according to the student, “because I just got these Dunkaroos and I just read Walden, and I’m feeling like I don’t need that much anymore, you know, I can just live off the land, and I’m not going to be a Dunkaroo, are you?”
Approximately 30 minutes later, as the group sat in a circle with a television in the middle playing “Curb your Enthusiasm,” the officers apparently began to feel liberated.
“I feel liberated,” Sockhead said.
“Me too,” said Dinosaur Goddess, “And you know, I feel like we can stop global warming if we want. I mean, Al Gore is kind of cute, and if he wants to stop it, then maybe it’s cool. It’s like drugs. Other people do them, even some animals do them, like the ones who scientists put through experiments—like those monkeys, who continued to smoke crack until they died, because crack’s so addictive, and so I was thinking, if crack is addictive, and I am addicted to it, does that make me crack? That’s a syllogism, no?”
Conversations occasionally lapsed into nonsense as the “trip” continued. In one instance, a female, who we won’t call “Sally” because her name was not Sally, stated that she had an organic chemistry test the following day and was considering “extracting the mushrooms from my body so I can sober up and study.”
Another student questioned this desire by asking, “Is that legal?”
Not-Sally chuckled, began to choke the student, and then screamed “Doubt it!”
The orgy took place about four hours from the officers’ time of ingestion. It happened like this: Sockhead suddenly said “Let’s have an orgy!” and everyone proceeded to engage in an orgy.
Two hours later, once they had all quenched their sexual desires, one student said, “Get out, everyone get out, I just remembered my parents are coming to bring me furniture today at 5 p.m., and it’s 5 p.m. now!”
As they scurried to collect their clothes, a knock was heard on the door. Dinosaur Goddess, who did not understand the situation properly, casually answered the door in the nude. The parents simply smiled and peered into the room at their naked son who was trying to hide the bag that still contained a few mushrooms.
“I remember college,” said the student’s mother dreamily.
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