In response to the outcry about Fire Safety using the money they collected to build a dorm to set on fire I thought I should take a second and show how wrong all you people are. As a senior working on his economics thesis on money management, I am in a position to do so.
When Adam Smith ushered capitalism into the world, it hinged on one very important point– that money should be set on fire. This is important in keeping the world working because not only can no poor person ever get hold of that money to eat or raise a family, but no one will ever derive utility from that money in any way once the fire is gone out.
Those of you who saw “An Inconvenient Truth” know how important burning money is. What is a baby penguin going to sleep in if not a little bed of five dollar bills that is on fire? Burning money also helps the ecosystems. We should definitely cut more trees down to make money just so that we can burn it.
If you ask any successful business owner or prostitute what the secret to success is, they almost always give you the same answer. As soon as you earn a dollar, set it on fire. That way not only do you never have to pay taxes but you also don’t have to worry about things like eating food or sleeping indoors. Thus for all you seniors worried about the real world, don’t worry, just Zippo.
For all of you people in the Fire Safety office or people with an overbearing sense of humor who think my thesis is a bit sarcastic, I assure it is not. If you know me then you know the degree of complete seriousness I maintain at all times. In fact I don’t know why we should only burn money. While that $40,000 bonfire is blazing we should probably throw in some orphans, homosexuals, and old people. That would be an equally great, if not greater, idea, so you should get on that one too.
To the Fire Safety people that came up with this brilliant goal: as radical innovators in money management, why aren’t you teaching my economics courses instead of some old coot with a Ph.D. from Cambridge? Obviously you are much more “street-smart” in the changing economy of today that calls for flammable innovations. On that note you should probably be coaching the track team as well. I can see it now. “Great job Stacy, jump in that burning pit.” God, sometimes it is just appalling how poorly this school is managed. We really need more people like you in charge.
In closing, since $40,000 happens to be very close to the yearly tuition of this fine university, I just want to thank you for setting that money on fire instead of using it to give a world class education to a person who clearly doesn’t deserve it because his or her parents aren’t rich white people. Obviously that would go against all of the goals of this university and its students. So thanks Fire Safety people, for being sooooooo smart.
Leave a Reply