“Apples and I used to get along,” says a dejected Jake Gold ’09 as he tries to hide his teary eyes under a baseball cap. “But then one day I ate an apple and I almost died. My cheeks expanded more than they normally do and I had to perform a bowel movement—it was a surreal day.”
This “surreal” day wouldn’t happen again, WOULD IT? Since Gold knew he was allergic to apples, he just wouldn’t eat them anymore, RIGHT? “Wrong,” shouts a disgruntled Ralph Gerraty ’09. I was fortunate enough to sit down with Mr. Gerraty for an interview to discuss the ongoing “apple grapple.” Here’s how it went:
Me, an unorthodox interviewer who asks the TOUGH questions: Why would you torture Jake Gold like this?
Gerraty: Skim milk sucks! It’s not even real milk! My pal Joe-Joe down at the delicatessen says he hates skim milk too. And I usually side with Joe-Joe. I mean, if you get to know him pretty well, he’s a really nice guy—he’s sweet, he’ll listen to you, and he’s not terrible to look at either if you catch my little lingo there.
Me, an unorthodox interviewer who asks the TOUGH questions: No, I don’t think you “capiscied” me. I meant why do you want Gold to get allergic reactions?
Gerraty: Oh, that. Well Gold tried to break into my PBJ store once?
Me, an unorthodox interviewer who asks the TOUGH questions: I’m sorry, did you say you have a PBJ store? I absolutely LOVE PBJ! Hey, have you ever tried peanut butter as a lubri?
Gerraty: O yea, man! I love that stuff. It’s difficult to maneuver with it on at first but you get used to it.
Me, an unorthodox interviewer who asks the TOUGH questions: Nice, you’ve just booked my Saturday night. But anyway, you own a PBJ store?
Gerraty: Yea, lotta folks think I run a mob business behind it. No way, Jose, I don’t play like that. I used to be in the mob but the first time my boss told me to shoot someone I acted like I didn’t hear him and just whipped out a PBJ sandwich and was like, “What, I didn’t hear you, you gotta speak up, man—hey want a bite of PBJ??” All the guys were weirded out and told me and my PBJ to get lost. I still remember those words, “You and your PBJ better get lost!” They rattle around in my brain like popcorn kernels in one of those microwave ovens we got back in Jers.
Me, an unorthodox interviewer who asks the TOUGH questions: I hear ya. No, I really sympathize with you. Before I came to interview you I was thinking you’d be a standard New Jerseyan, you know, snot hanging from your eyelid, so much grease in your hair that it form a puddle around our feet and we both walk on it and slip and it gets kind of awkward as we search for towels to wipe it off. But after hearing your story about the PBJ, I can kind of see why you want to mess with Gold.
Gerraty: Word. Well there you have it. Jake Gold continues to get allergic reactions from apple poisoning every day and Ralph Gerraty’s finally got his life back.
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