Luce Ball-Saco, sister-in-law of Dean of the College Maria Cruz-Saco was hired Wednesday as the new Dean of Diversity. Ball-Saco scored a four on her most recent IQ test, meaning she is profoundly retarded.
Ball-Saco will move into her new office in August, which will be located in the Wasch Behind Your Ears (WBYE) Center for Retarded Faculty, which opened at 253 Pine St. on Sunday morning. Retarded faculty members will have offices there where, in an effort to increase dialogue between retarded faculty and students, students can consult with and tutor them.
Ball-Saco was present Sunday morning at the WBYE Center opening ceremony, and she fielded several questions pertaining to her new job. One question Ball-Saco was asked was what rating she would give the University on handling issues of multiculturalism and diversity.
“I give a rating of eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” she said. “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Ball-Saco also commented on her favorite color, brown, and her favorite book, “Everybody Poops.”
President Doug Bennet gave the most coherent address at the ceremony, which is a rarity.
“Midgni are proud to be here thismornin topen the cenerfuretardedfaculty,” Bennet said. “I believe we are the first university in the world to actively recruit retarded faculty members in order to further diversify. This is greatly encouraging, and, if I may quote the Black-Eyed Peas, ‘Let’s get retarded in here!’”
Cruz-Saco was also present at the ceremony. She spoke briefly about the new facility and attempted to answer questions from students. At one point, she was asked what she hopes to accomplish in her tenure as Dean of the College.
“Personally, I don’t think I know enough to give an intelligent opinion on this matter, but I am listening,” she said. “The frats are not consistent with University policies, and frat boys disrespect women.”
When asked to discuss the Dean’s Diversity Fund she helped to initiate, Cruz-Saco yelled, “Bias-related graffiti!” Then she held her breath and eventually passed out.
University officials have declined to comment on whether or not Ball-Saco passed out during her most recent IQ test, though Director of Communications Justin Harmon is confident in the decision to hire her.
“I think she will be an invaluable resource to this campus,” he said. “Her prior job experience includes working at Wal-Mart, which is really a lot like working for the University with Aramark and ResLife and the high price of tuition and all. …Can you take that last statement off the record?”
Aramark will be providing its “Grade A” service to Ball-Saco and her colleagues at the WBYE Center, while the rest of the campus will continue to receive “Grade G, generally edible” food service. ResLife, however, has qualms about the new WBYE facility being so close to student housing.
“We are concerned because of allergies, noise, disease, and the potential for an escaped retarded person,” said Director of Residential Life Fran Koerting. “Many of us have concerns about having small, caged retarded people.”
Leave a Reply