Once a year, this campus is blessed with the presence of perky high school seniors. Beaming with excitement, they are faced with the most challenging question of al—where to go to college. Yet despite our best attempts to discuss the merits of this University as compared to others, they seem to turn a deaf ear. When it comes down to it, the choice for these seniors is not about academics, financial aid packages or anything else substantive. The decision comes down to this simple equation:
Booze + Ass = School Selection
That’s right. The average prefrosh will choose their school based on which visit can get them the most drunk and give them the most sweet, sweet college ass. Wesleyan’s applicant pool dropped this year from last, and there is only one reason why. Last year, people weren’t willing to liquor up and sleep with prefrosh. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It’s time to start getting prefrosh drunk. The drunker the better. In fact, there should be at least a 1/4 hospitalization rate. That means 3/4 will be pumped to come to Wes, and the other 1/4 may be, assuming they live through the night. If they don’t remember their stay, that’s a sure sign they’re coming back.
Sex is a little trickier. While none of the prefrosh are of legal drinking age, underage drinking on college visits is a time-honored tradition and is personally endorsed by President George W. Bush. However, nobody supports statutory [editor’s note: at least no one we care to associate with.] Fortunately, Connecticut has helped out by lowering the age of consent to 17, ensuring that 90% of the prefrosh you sleep with are of legal age. If they are younger than 17, you’re a sick little moocow.
So bite the bullet. Get a prefrosh drunk, take them back to your room, and have your way with them. Otherwise, how can we expect to make it back into US News and World Report’s Top 10 Liberal Arts Schools?(1)
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