Some people may have been confused by the reference to “tech-ies” in last Tuesday’s Argus. Many people are now aware, thanks to that Wespeak, that tech-ies have been involved in a long-standing intra-campus war against athletes. Nearly everyone knows what an athlete is. But what is a tech-ie? Our research revealed the following.
Tech-ies have been around since Wesleyan became co-ed. Strangely enough, the title “tech-ie” has nothing to do with actual technology, but rather “technique,” although nobody, including the tech-ies themselves, knows what this refers to.
Tech-ies are an ancient tribal organization of very, very small men who meet to dance to Elbow (their music of choice) and perform ritualistic circle jerks (one athlete suggested this was what the “technique” referred to, adding, “their technique is really good…you know, not that I can really judge good technique from, uh…I’m just saying…It looks like it would be. Not that I’m thinking about what would make good technique for, the uh, the circle…uh…”) He then ran away at an athletic speed.
Daily activities for a tech-ie include making MoCon announcements about stupid-ass shit and getting away with shit because they attend a liberal university. The shit in question includes exercising their First through Fifth amendment rights, voting for political candidates other than those aligned with conservative parties, getting SJBed for chalking, attending coeducational universities and sometimes living in coeducational dorms, recycling, and circle jerks.
“Don’t forget doing gay-ass tech-ie stuff,” said the previously mentioned athlete, after returning from his sudden departure. When informed that circle jerks were already on the list, he replied, “Those aren’t necessarily gay-ass. Sometimes it’s just a good icebreaker. This one time I was at a party where the host ran out of hors d’oeuvres, and it was really awkward, but then one guy suggested…uh…that we…uh…play badminton.” The man then ran away just as fast as before, his legs and stamina having been built up by countless hours of practicing and working out.
As alluded to in the original article, parts of tech-ies anatomies are very small; they have small teeth which they use to bite as well as short upper legs, which allows them to sit in a much tighter circle when cross-legged. Many believe the conflict between athletes and tech-ies originally flared up because tech-ies were jealous of athletes’ much more proportional legs. Others contend that it was over an incorrectly printed package slip.
One weakness of tech-ies is cup dropping, which renders them powerless. But for the most part, Tech-ies are small creatures that enjoy dancing, getting bent out of shape about stupid shit and using the liberal media to their advantage. According to one helpful young man who took time out of his participation in an athletic activity to add to our article, tech-ies enjoy “getting their faces punched right in.” The man then dropped a cup he had been holding and ran away.
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