Wesleyanites,
Two Saturdays ago the Eclectic Society hosted a Sex Party for your pleasure. If you were there (in your underwear) you may recall with some fondness that the fire alarm went off twice in the one and a half hours of party duration, and if you happened to hang around a little bit longer you might have witnessed the fire alarm going off a third time for Eclectic residents only. We sincerely regret the loss of your ability to get your swerve on, to spit game at half dressed women who will probably never interact with you in so little clothing again, but these circumstances were out of our control.
When physical plant made renovations to the house over the summer, including new handicapped accessible bathrooms and a kitchen for residents, they also happened to install new ultra-sensitive smoke alarms in the ballroom and dining room. According to the Director of Fire Safety Barbara Spalding, the new smoke detectors were faulty, and went off without reason. Immediately after the party, the administration, (including Fire Safety, Public Safety, Residential Life, and Physical Plant) acknowledged that the fire alarm problems at the sex party were due to no fault of our own, or yours and stated that they would attempt to facilitate an entirely new sex party, to make up for the shitty time you (probably) had.
Student Activities and Leadership Director Leilani Kupo and Area Coordinator for Program Housing Dawn Brown later informed the Eclectic Society that they would not condone having a new sex party so soon, for several reasons. One is that Associate Director of Public Safety Dave Meyer, Eclectic’s favorite fuzz, would not be around to help out at the front door. The second is that we would not be able to procure enough event staff to keep out you raging hordes of scantily clad partygoers. The third is that since we didn’t feel comfortable charging you again for a party you already paid for, throwing a free sex party could create more unimaginable chaos than any of us could fathom (that all campus rager with George Clinton is a figment of your imagination).
So we can’t have another sex party for you, even though we really fucking want to. We will just have to wait until the Halloween party for you to impress us with your costuming prowess. That party sucked as much for us as it did for you. In order to quell your rage we have decided to charge less for the Halloween party, in addition to honoring sex party tickets in exchange for Halloween party tickets when we sell them in a few weeks. In the meantime come to our shows and don’t be that asshole who pulls the fire-alarm because you’re not funny enough to engage in verbal comedy. And when you come to the Halloween party don’t be a dick about not being able to get in because all you do is ruin everyone else’s good time. If you need to be that intoxicated to get laid then you have some serious self-examination to do. Help us help you. Because when I say the word party, I MEAN A FUCKING PARTY!!! I want to see people losing their shit!!! Let’s have fucking ten punk bands, ten hip hop DJs, and ten auctioneers (you know the fast talkers), and lets have them all do their shit ALL AT ONCE!!! So, like, it should be, like, total chaos!!!*
Ironically,
The Eclectic Society.
*Quote courtesy Andrew W.K., grand party master, and illustrious author of “I Get Wet and Party Til You Puke.”
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