There was once a copy machine. She had four drawers and two printing trays. She could scan, but she always thought it was her worst quality and ensured that no one could use her for it. She lived in Exley Science Center, right outside the Information Technology Services (ITS) Help Desk, down the block from the Science Library, and right next door to Pi Café. She always boasted about her sovereign territory.
“I’m so in the middle of all the colonies that no one can claim me,” she would say. “I’m a free girl.”
It was statistically accurate that she was the most passed copy machine on campus, even at one point earning the Most Passed Copy Machine at Wesleyan award. To say the least, she was a proud copy machine.
Recently, much has been off.
That’s just it. Societal and parental pressures tumbled into neglect, and she was left empty of the paper she needed to print. Her sovereignty meant no one desired claim over her, at least not enough to contribute to her paper stock.
At the last Exley/Sci Li/Pi Conference for Paper Contribution Determination, no productive decisions were made. Our sources report that negotiations were tense.
A Sci Li student librarian (whose identity must remain anonymous for their safety) even said that paper was torn in protest during the final meeting by the ITS Help Desk representative party. In retaliation, the librarians reportedly stole paper from the ITS office yesterday.
The school has now implemented facial recognition cameras outside the ITS Help Desk and along the Exley hallways to ensure the security of ITS’s paper stock. The ITS representative claims that the paper has yet to be found. The Russian Studies Department on the fourth floor of Fisk has generously loaned three reams of paper to ITS in the meantime.
Copy Machine Rights for Wesleyan’s Chaotic Yet Neglected Spaces (CMRWCYNS) held a rally right next to the Fishbowl this morning. The professor teaching the course “18th Century Bisexuals,” who was lecturing while the rally was going on, was reportedly glaring at the protesters and has now been put on a watch list by the communist underground. The professor has allegedly taken a leave of absence and has not yet responded to our inquiries. A student of the “18th Century Bisexuals” class told us they were in mourning following the cancellation of their class, as they had planned to write their final paper on how Enlightenment intellectuals perfected the art of the polycule. They told us, “This was going to be my magnum opus, and now, because of this tree destroyer drama, I will have to save it for my thesis.”
It should also be noted that we were forced to relocate during this interview because the Pi barista did not want to “hear our shit.”
There have been no further decisions made due to a lack of cooperation and the usual exploratory.
All in all, not much can be said at this moment in time, or at least until the next round of judicial proceedings begins. Stay tuned for more on this issue.
Lily Goldfine can be reached at lgoldfine@wesleyan.edu.
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