My friend tells me that Valentine’s Day is cancelled this year because of the recession. I don’t know if I believe him. Either way, nowadays it feels like someone flew a crop duster over the earth and sprayed bromide all over it. (If you’re a know-nothing lowlife and can’t figure out what that means, the French and Polish armies used to spike their soldiers’ wine and coffee with it to keep their thoughts chaste.) That’s why we, the Eclectic Society, have decided to throw a party at least in honor of Valentine’s Day, this Saturday from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. We want to provide an environment that will inspire tumescence in the college-age demographic once again. Eclectic is a civically minded organization. We want to do our part.
That’s why we’re calling our party the Eclectic Stimulus Package V-day Party. How apropos. This theme is funny for two reasons. First, it puts the name of a recession-relevant fiscal policy in a sexual context. Secondly, you’re probably going to our party hoping to find someone to do what the Bush Administration did to the economy. But all this talk of stimulation is making me feel kind of stimulated, so I’d better get to the rules before I get too bothered:
NO CONTAINERS AT ALL. We don’t care if it’s holding holy water to remind the freak dancers to leave room for Jesus. You’re not bringing it in.
BRING YOUR WES ID. We will send you running if you don’t have it. Find a way to carry it and not lose it. Maybe consider sewing a pocket to your lacy undies. Someone might even find your blend of sexiness and practicality ravishing. If you’re importing a date or platonic life partner, please tell hir to bring hir government-issued ID. We’ll keep it safe and warm for the party and return it when y’all leave.
BRING CA$$$H FOR WATER. The rituals of courtship leave you dehydrated. We’ll be selling bottles of water so you keep producing enough saliva to spit game all night.
TICKETS WILL BE SOLD IN ADVANCE ONLY. $5 at Usdan Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, at lunch and dinner. And don’t even try to bring a fake ticket to the party. We’re smarter than you and have plenty of ways of telling that you’re a huge phony.
NO RE-ENTRY. Do you want a bespectacled, 165-pound ectomorph to teach you this the hard way? I didn’t think so. But if I have to, I will. And I can. I’m from
Baltimore.
We hope to see you on Saturday, comporting your nasty selves with the greatest propriety. Eclectics are quite a well-bred bunch and we’re choosy when it comes to courting.
So brush up on your Emily Post, maybe even your Keynes (what a mack), and let’s get re-stimulated. Together.
Warmly,
Phi Nu Theta
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