Science library stapler from hell

As a student worker at the science library reference desk I’ve had the opportunity to witness first hand the disparity in quality between different electronic staplers. I write mainly to bring to the Wesleyan community’s attention how much the electric stapler at the Science Library sucks. It is terrible, and all the more so because of the striking contrast between it and the previous stapler that resided on the counter of the reference desk early last year, until someone stole it. I can understand this action because that stapler was amazing. That stapler was like a cool breeze on a warm summer day, smooth silk, and a gentle caress. The new one is nowhere near as pleasing. In fact it’s more like the Arctic Circle, the scratchiest blanket ever or like a slap in the face. When it staples your papers together you fear for your life, unlike last year, when you stapled papers for fun, just for the pure enjoyment and pleasure of it. Plus, the new stapler doesn’t even allow you to put your staple in diagonally to facilitate easier turning of your stapled pages. No, only perfectly parallel to the top of the page so that it is that much easier for the pages to tear away the pages from each other inadvertently. In the first two weeks of school alone, I’ve had to help several people work the new stapler, because it is extremely fragile. The slightest movement can set it off or the jerkiest movement can leave it prone. It is not intuitive at all. The old one you could use upside down in a pool of Jell-O and it would probably work.

So, I’d like to officially bring to attention the passing of a spectacular stapler, and to address the individual who stole the stapler last year. I understand why you did it. But I have to deal with the repercussions of your actions every day. When someone staples their papers together and I hear the sound of a distant gunshot, instead of the soothing sounds of a wave crashing onto a lush Hawaiian beach, I think of you, thief of the old stapler. Every day! Damn you! I hope you enjoy the unparalleled stapling glory the Panasonic(R) AS300NN Commercial Electric Stapler has to offer, as much as I rue the day that the Bostitch B8 Electric AntiJam Stapler was created.