Controversy sparked on Wednesday, April 5, when University President Doug Bennet declared that he was not going to give up his presidency to “some namby-pamby from an art school” and that Michael Roth could kiss his “Butterfield” at a Board of Trustees meeting. Roth immediately responded to the bad pun with a roundhouse kick to the face.
Bennett later issued an official apology, in which he said he was “going to fuck [Roth] up [when he is not looking].”
The controversy continued when Roth posted a video of the fight on YouTube under the title, “Me pwning Benett.” The video quickly reached 10,000 views, but was removed by officials for explicit content. One anonymous viewer of the video described the fight to a representative from the Argus:
“He was being punched by Roth… then Bennet hit him with a chair. Roth poked him in the eyes, Bennett was knocked down… and Roth tea bagged him.”
Benett reportedly had the upper hand at first, causing Roth to call for help from his Alpha Delta Phi friends, who were too busy trying to be like a real fraternity to come help him.
After taking a few blows to the head, Roth exclaimed, “Yo man, you gonna mess my grill!” He then put on brass knuckles and proceeded to pummel Bbennet into submission. What Roth did not know was that Bennett had a golf club hidden in his pants. Seizing up the situation, the Board members overturned the table and started spreading small arms fire.
The fine evening culminated in Dean for Diversity Daniel Teraguchi firing a rocket launcher, which killed most of the Board members and injured both Presidents.
Students speculate that without the Board, we can expect to see higher professor salaries, better courses, and less useless construction every goddamn year.
“Now we can expect some equality, some liberty, less oppression, less degeneration…what were we talking about?” said Smokey McBongwater ’12.
The Benit-Roth video is now available on several smaller video websites such as eBaum’s World. It has elicited many comments around what seems like a dark stain in the crotch area of Benet’s pants.
“It’s not what it looks like,” Bennit explained, “I know Kung Fu. I was releasing energy from my Wellspring point.”
Benit also blamed his loss on his friend Bill Cosby.
“Cosby, I thought you had my back! And ‘The Cosby Show’ sucked, man. The little girl was funny, but you sucked!” he yelled as Cosby lifted him from the remains of the Board room hours after the incident. Trouble ensued when, as Bennet arrived at the hospital unconscious, no one knew how to spell his name properly.
It is rumored that in order for Roth to assume the presidency next year and for Benknit not to be impeached, they must show their forgiveness and form an Olympic ice skating pair together.
Roth was outraged. “What the hell?” he said. “That sounds like a plot to a crappy Will Ferrell movie!”
Benitt was more enthusiastic.
“I like the little skates, and the little pom-poms you can get on them and wearing little skirts,” he said.
“It was a really great evening,” said Laura Milton ’10. “It was a good opportunity to understand another view of life, another culture.”
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