Vice President and Secretary of the University Peter Patton shot a Middletown resident in the face on Tuesday while participating in an administration field trip. In conjunction with new student group Wesleyan: Hunting On Our Terrain (WESHoot), President Doug Bennet and his senior staff spent the day performing team-building activities on Main St. where the unfortunate incident occurred.
“The vice president just didn’t see the man,” said Dean of the College Maria Cruz-Saco. “We were hunting cardinals and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by god, the townie was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good.”
The resident, identified only as Timothy, 25, was in stable condition at Middletown City Hospital after being hit by bullets in the cheek, neck, and chest.
“The whole thing was my fault,” Timothy said. “I was walking on the sidewalk. How inconsiderate of me.”
Patton was using an AK-47. He was approximately 15 feet away from Timothy when he was struck.
Patton is an avid hunter who regularly travels to New York City and Detroit to further develop his shooting skills. Bennet was extremely surprised by the accident and emphasized that this sort of catastrophe could happen to anyone, at any time.
“Bllrgggghhhhhahhhsdhdhhh,” Bennet said. “Blllraaagghddffhhhgglawsuitbaddssf sdfggllllsdhhhh.”
“What he meant to say was, ‘Townie, don’t sue the University,’” translated Director of Communications Justin Harmon. “It is my understanding that the University is trying to develop a better, railing-less relationship with Middletown.”
The incident was not shared with the University community until Wednesday. According to Harmon, the information was not made public to ensure that Timothy was first receiving the best medical care. An anonymous student spread word of “Patton-gate” via the online confession board on Wednesday evening.
“OH EM GEEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!” wrote the student. “VP Patton totes just shot this townie! ;'(”
Patton was out of the office on Wednesday, and returned to campus on Thursday wearing a brand new pair of metal bracelets attached by a short chain. He was collecting several personal items from his office.
Public Safety was looking into graffiti found outside of Patton’s office door. The phrases, “Duck! It’s Patton,” and “My tuition = your bail $$” were found spray painted on the North College Wall.
The administration field trip was suggested by Bennet during the last senior staff meeting.
“We couldn’t tell if Bennet wanted to go ‘hunting’ or to see ‘V for Vendetta,’” Cruz-Saco said. “Actually, we couldn’t tell what he was saying at all.”
After the group decided to test their luck at the trigger, they contacted WESHoot, a student-led hunting forum to help them plan their trip.
“We’re in deep shit now,” said William John Richardson IV ’08.
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