Gastroenteritis, or “shit-in-mouth” disease, struck campus this week like Bobby Brown smacking Whitney Houston with the back of his hand. Many students experienced nausea, vomiting, and explosive diarrhea, or “Sunday morning” as it is commonly referred to in Clark Hall.
“I was [redacted] and [redacted] all night long,” said Abby Smith ’09. “I lost ten pounds on the gastroenteritis diet!”
Smith gave a weak thumbs-up and continued to [redacted].
The Health Center sent out an all-campus e-mail describing the symptoms of gastroenteritis and advice to prevent the spread of the virus, which is transmitted along a fecal-oral route.
“Don’t eat own your poop, kids,” the e-mail read.
As instructed in the e-mail, students have taken to singing the first three stanzas of Stairway to Heaven when they wash their hands, although many have complained that lathering interferes with the urge to play air-guitar.
“Yeah, man!” said Steve Williams ’07. “Do you think this works with ‘Free Bird,’ too?”
The virus manifests itself quickly and without warning. According to the Health Center, most of the vomiting cases occurred within 15 minutes of meals at MoCon, Summerfields, or the Campus Center.
“I had gastroenteritis earlier this week after eating the Tijuana Tacos at MoCon,” said John Miller ’08. “I had it last week, too, and come to think of it…I’ve had after, like, every meal I’ve ever eaten on campus.”
Some symptoms of gastroenteritis overlap with those of other illnesses. While some students think they are afflicted with gastroenteritis, the Health Center has experienced a rise in diagnosing other diseases.
“After I threw up, I had dark or burning urine,” said Sarah Green ’07. “That e-mail said my fluid intake was sub-optimal…but I went to the Health Center and it turns out I have herpes.”
Students were also warned not to drink Middletown tap water to stabilize an upset stomach. Middletown tap water, of course, causes SARS and blindness, among other things.
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