In the past two years, the nefarious HPV ridden tentacles of facebook.com have seduced our guilty social-seeking consciences comparable to the Fischer-Price section of WalMart attracting single 55 year-old convicted sex offender recess aids named Bruce. You’re probably saying to yourself, “Wait a minute, that’s not true. Facebook isn’t that bad. I mean, it doesn’t have sex with little kids. Or does it?”
Uh, no, it, um, actually doesn’t have sex with children. It doesn’t even have genitalia. It’s a website, Fuckface. But, here’s the kicker. Substitute the pedophile with www.facebook.com and the cute little victims with intelligent, sociable yet awkward-when-high college students, and you’ve got a wonderful—granted totally inappropriate and offensive—metaphor. Remember how outgoing little Susie used to be before the rape? Now she just sits at home all day, afraid to talk to anyone with a mustache, staring blankly at her computer screen asking, Why God? Why? Well, let’s assume it was a facebook rape, that anyone with a mustache is anyone without their favorite music, relationship status, and wacky spring break plans readily available prior to any personal interaction, and you’ve got a recipe for insidious introversion!
No, but seriously the facebook, like child molestation, is totally dehumanizing. Well, let’s say the facebook is actually rehumanizing, in that it replaces the once flesh and blood dialogues (think rape) necessary in day-to-day life with the monologue of campus-wide provided cable ethernet, which, mind you, is totally involuntary even though Comcast may say you looked like you wanted it, or, even worse, you needed it, just by how you dressed. The facebook becomes who you are, providing you with fingers (You’ve been poked [which is, in itself, a questionable expression]), eyes (Elmany Ganthon has posted a picture of you), ears (favorite music: Crap Your Pants Say Damn, Fascist Cheese Apartment, and Master P.), a pulse (we don’t really know what that is), and guaranteed wittiness with sweet quotes! Why go through the effort of spitting game to some fine breezy only to be shot down faster than William McKinley as she tells you she’s married to a LARPer, when the facebook splooges that information all over your desktop’s face before any awkwardness ensues.
All we’re saying is think before the next time you start typing www.f because your computer will fill in the rest, and do you really want that? (i.e. your frequent visits to www.fingerbangingnuns.com and www.findyourbiologicalparents.org) Maybe you should consider signing off—we promise that you’ll be able to interact with people in person. C’mon, it’ll be okay.
*Facebook.com’s connection to the Ku Klux Klan is completely unjustified.
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