The campus lighting tour turned into a tragedy on Wednesday night as several students were sent to the hospital after being assaulted in dark areas. Twelve students and four administrators showed up for the tour, but only four students and one administrator completed the entire walk without sustaining serious injuries.
The lighting tour began in front of the public safety office at 7:30 p.m., where recently vanished former Director of Public Safety Maryann Wiggin leapt out of the shadows and tackled Jonah Blumstein ’09. Blumstein suffered a fractured coccyx and Wiggin escaped into the night.
“I saw her and I recognized her, so I started to wave,” Blumstein said. “Then she just decked me. I nearly shit my pants. She should be a linebacker for the Jets.”
The next unfortunate incident occurred in the Lo Rise area bordering Traverse Square. Twelve black, white, or Hispanic males or females between 4’3“ and 7’4” assaulted four students and two administrators. One of the assailants showed a sharp knife. Another assailant threatened to “tea bag” Dean of Student Services Mike Whaley, and yet another assailant threatened to give him a “Russian alarm clock.”
“I don’t like the sound of a Russian alarm clock,” said Director of Communications Justin Harmon, commenting on the incident. “And tea bag should never be a verb.”
The twelve suspects fled the scene via Traverse Square when a Public Safety car drove by, at which time Sarah Richardson ’06 tripped and fell three feet from the Lo Rise area to the Traverse Square area. All seven victims were taken to Middletown Hospital and treated for bruises and other minor injuries.
“I didn’t see them coming because my eyes were closed,” said Dean of the College Maria Cruz-Saco, one of the victims. “Also, the lighting in the area is bad.”
The tour continued with six students and two administrators until the group reached the dark area near Van Vleck Observatory. At this point, one student tripped and sprained his ankle, another student was mugged, and a wolf that was hiding in the shadows attacked interim Director of Public Safety David Meyer. The three victims were taken to the hospital after flashlights were used to find them unconscious on the ground.
“I’m glad I got mugged,” said Mike Butterfield ’06, the student who was mugged. “It shows that the University needs to begin taking steps in the direction of illuminating dark areas, literally and metaphorically. And for the record, I’m pretty sure it was a white woman who mugged me.”
Meyer was treated for rabies and syphilis and released from Middletown Hospital on Thursday.
“I’m very concerned about the rising number of animal attacks on campus,” he said.
The lighting tour ended at the observatory because rain began to fall and everyone was scared shitless. After the tour, the Office of Public Safety released a list of five safety tips inspired by the lighting tour: keep your eyes open, have a gun handy, don’t wave to Maryann Wiggin, try not to trip, and carry a torch when walking at night.
In a related story, the Campus Center burned down last night.
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