Mark Twain once said, “If you don’t like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.” It’s true enough, but the thing Mark Twain didn’t bother to mention is that the new weather isn’t going to be any better. If the weather these past few weeks is any indication, it’s just going to get worse.
My advice? Quit while you’re ahead.
Granted, the nine inches of rain we got last week was charming. Real bloody charming. My favorite part was when I realized my car had somehow developed a leak and that there was an inch of standing water on the floor of my car. If there wasn’t a rule about cursing in the Argus these days, I’d tell you exactly what I said when I discovered that mess.
Needless to say, anyone who left for fall break missed one of the most miserable weeks I’ve ever seen. And I grew up across the street from a swamp. I also spent a winter in Scotland. I’d say I was thinking about building an ark this past week, but everyone I know has already made that joke. Frankly, the only thing I was sicker of than the rain was that stupid joke. In fact, if I heard that joke one more time, I probably would have put a couple of large stones in the pocket of my coat, left a note for my housemates telling them, “I don’t think five people could have been happier than we have been,” and then walked out into the middle of the Connecticut River in the middle of a driving rain storm and drowned myself.
How’s that for a joke about the rain?
I also caught a bit of a cold thanks to the perpetual rain. Or the perpetual about to rain. I really just mention that because I want make a joke about how I’m addicted to those cold remedy drops they sell at Weshop. I knew I had a problem because when I had a sore throat, I briefly considered cutting up the cold remedy drops and snorting them.
Thankfully, the rain finally quit and none of this was necessary. And I, like most everyone else, was glad to see the sun come back out. Then it became absurdly cold. I like how the weather shifted suddenly from September to October.
Now, I normally like cold weather. Autumn and winter are my two favorite seasons (in that order). But this sudden switch from early fall to early winter is uncalled for. It totally screws up my wardrobe. I’m used to a nice, gradual, change in the seasons. Slowly, I introduce new elements to my wardrobe. I start by wearing sweaters periodically. Then one week, I start wearing my wool blazer. A little later, I introduce a scarf into the mix. Sometimes a pair of gloves figures in here too. The number of layers I end up wearing gradually increases. This is all in preparation for the main event: my winter coat.
My winter coat is a special sort of thing. I’ve had it since I started college, but it might actually be older than I am. I inherited it from my uncle, who wore it when he was a graduate student back in the early 80s. It’s long and gray and makes me look like that pretentious sort of fellow who doesn’t quite grasp the idea of buying clothes that fit or cutting his hair. But this is my look, and I deal with it. But the most important thing to know is that once I put this coat on, it never comes off. This is only kind of a joke. Once I start wearing the coat, I’m going to keep wearing it until spring break. It’s the way it works. And so, it’s understandable that I need a slow progression towards this coat. If I simply just put it on one day, I could hurt myself or those around me. The coat is not to be trifled with.
But this whole weather thing has been a serious wrench in the plans. I didn’t get a slow transition from my summer collection to my winter collection. Instead, I woke up one morning and had to put on all sorts of clothes I wasn’t ready to put on. Entire outfits intended for the fall will probably never get worn. Entire layers will be covered by sweaters and scarves without ever being seen. It’s really more of a big deal than you think.
Thankfully, I’m kind of stubborn. This morning I decided to defy all conventions and I refused to dress for the weather. I dressed how I wanted to dress. I wore the sort of clothes one should wear in October. Needless to say, I was cold all day. But I guess I looked good while shivering. At least I hope I did. Because I probably caught another cold. And now I’ll have to fight my addiction to those cough drops again.
I guess the lesson to be learned is this: Don’t give in to the weather. Not yet at least. It’s going to snow pretty soon, and then we’re all going to be in big bulky jackets that make us look stupid. This is our last chance to look hip before we have to be sensible and avoid hypothermia. Don’t miss your chance.
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