In a move that sent Wall Street into a frenzy this Friday, Crown Prince, Inc., maker of such seafood delicacies as Crown Prince Lump White Crabmeat and Crown Prince Peeled Broken Shrimp, announced that they have finalized a closed-door deal with the American Jewish Council (AJC) for national naming rights to Yom Kippur, the Jewish faith’s most precious and solemn holiday.
The new holiday, renamed “Yum Kipper!” to advertise Crown Prince’s popular line of Kipper Snacks, “will demand of practicing Jews that they atone for the sins of the year, reconcile differences with their fellows, and thank G-d for 3.25 oz. of smoked fillets of herring in a pull-top can,” according to Crown Prince’s press release. “Accordingly,” the press release continues, “the traditional fast of Yom Kippur will make way for the Kipper Snacks-only diet of Yum Kipper!”
While some conservative and orthodox religious groups are upset about the change, an Ampersand poll revealed that, as in most of America, Wesleyan Jews are unmoved. When asked how he felt about the new holiday, Abraham Goldmanstein ’07 replied with an exaggerated shrug and a resigned-sounding “Ehh!”
The Crown Prince deal comes in the wake of what most analysts originally considered an anomaly: July’s agreement between the Vatican and Frito-Lay, Inc. to redesign Pope Benedict XVI’s traditional headwear in the shape and color of Frito-Lay’s popular Dorito chips. In fact, these deals are merely the first of a number of corporate-religious deals currently in the works. Other planned holidays include Cadbury Schweppes and the American Pagan Concern’s Mentho-licious HALLS-o’ween; Pfizer, Inc. and Hallmark Corporation’s Sweet Viagra-Time Day; and Viacom, Inc. and ESPN ABC Sports’s joint venture with the Vatican to create MTV and ESPN2 Present an X-Games X-Treme X-Mas!.
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