So Katie and I were just minding our own business the other night, and we got attacked by freakin’ laptops. No joke. They came flying off of a Westco balcony, snapping at our limbs and beating us with USB mice. We started yelling for help, and Public Safety came running. Unfortunately, as soon as they arrived, the laptops went totally limp, and one or two fell into Katie’s bag. The officer was really nice about it, and said it happens all the time, but that he was still going to have to call the real cops.
Katie got all worried and insisted on using her phone call to get in touch with her parents, who sent some dumb lawyer up from Virginia. I, on the other hand, have my priorities straight, and used my call to sort out this week’s crime related Ampersand. Prison is nice, but please come bail me out if you read this.
—Prisoner # 593603 Patlak, J
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