So I understand that these new Fauver dorms, per their pending appearance on Cribs, really need plasma screen televisions in order for the University to show off how cool they are. In fact, I even understand why Wesleyan ‘detoured’ its campus tour in order to show off its new plasma TV. However, in the interest of portraying Wesleyan in a fair and balanced way, let’s make sure tour guides point out everything that’s not fair and balanced about Wesleyan housing practices. Let’s stop by HiRise (what the people in the cute project condos next door refer to as their “ugly neighbor”, as they laugh in the distance and eat barbecue while we trudge past to eat nine dollar turkey sandwiches). Over in HiRise, we have lots of fun in our dorm’s lounge watching paint dry and sniffing toxic chemicals (seriously, guys, they’re doing construction watch out for the asbestos.) But what really pisses me off is not the television, per se, but the fact that in order to buy said television our university left all its other dorms caked in construction dust and pawned off all valuable items (I think they sold them to Trinity). In fact, I’m one-hundred percent positive the University doesn’t care about me, for it lacks in one of the basic amenities of modern life. It won’t even supply free cable television for the one-hundred and seventy-five residents of HiRise.
I survived my freshman and sophomore year with furniture-less lounges and one-station televisions, but enough is enough. I demand that the University supply one decent cable-equipped television for all the people in HiRise. You don’t even have to get us digital cable. Obviously I don’t expect something as fancy as a plasma. As long as I could watch the glory that is E! True Hollywood Story and Vh1’s 101 Most Shocking Moments in peace, without static, I would be happy. Then I’ll take the fermented-yogurt-smelling stairs (elevator’s broken) back to my ant-infested small apartment, my leaky toilet and my clogged shower, and I won’t even say a word. Wesleyan obviously has a problem with its “diverse” housing practices that allow people to get stuck in seriously condemnable housing. Since I don’t think you’re going to unclog our shower anytime soon, or get rid of that smell in the hall, you can at least get us some cable to pacify your masses. Sigh. It’s just like that one story, the one you read in high school…where does Wesleyan get off, throwing its crazy wife up in the attic while it woos the young governess?! That crazy wife has feelings, and it’s really hot up there, and you should at least give her a nice TV! Maybe she’ll even shut up about the fact that she’s giving you 40,000 dollars a year to entertain your cheap whore. So there.
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