Yes, Passover. I’m sure it’s very exciting. And I hope you all have fun. But in case you were too busy eating your matzah, something important actually happened here in the real world: a new Pope was installed. And it was totally awesome.
And so, partially in celebration of the new Pope, partially because I am bitter that I have to study for my comps instead of getting drunk at a Seder, and partially because the world can never have too many Catholic school girls, I’ve decided a polemic is in order.
Jews: Derive authority from Rabbinic chain of tradition going back to Moses.
Catholics: Derive authority from Former Hitler Youth in a Funny Hat (he even has his own bulletproof golf cart).
Jews: Can’t eat leavened bread for one week. Instead, get trashed on wine.
Catholics: Can’t eat meat on Fridays. Instead eat the body and blood of our lord and savior every week
(you may be able to get drunk in the name of Yahweh, but we EAT GOD).
Moses: Dead.
Jesus: Dead, then not dead, then let people stick their hands in his gaping bloody wounds. Later ascended to Heaven. Plus, when he did die and went to Hell, it was called The Harrowing. Best name ever.
Jews: Pi.
Catholics: Passion of the Christ. Granted, drilling a hole in your head is pretty badass, but it’s nothing compared to being beaten by a mace until your skin falls off while carrying a huge piece of wood up a hill. I think I saw Jesus’ pancreas at one point.
Jews: Book of Leviticus.
Catholics: Book of Revelations. In one, there are detailed instructions on how to plant your crops. And in the other, there are detailed instructions on how to know when it’s the end of the world. Your call.
Jews: Hebrew.
Catholics: Latin (have you ever seen anyone repel demonic forces by saying “Shabbat shalom”? I didn’t think so).
Jews: 7 Nights of Hanukkah.
Catholics: Accusation of Child Molestation
(fine, you have got us there).
Jews: Control Hollywood.
Catholics: Controlled most of Europe for 700 years.
Jews: Synagogue
Catholics: Church (less letters, more phonetic).
Jews: Great temples destroyed: 2.
Catholics: Vaticans destroyed: 0. You don’t fuck with the Swiss Army.
Jewish Guilt: comes from mother’s phone calls, makes you feel like you’re a bad son/daughter.
Catholic Guilt: comes from a complex theological system over 1,000 years in the making whereby you are convinced from birth that you are a vile sinful monster and no one will ever love you except Jesus, and he’s isn’t even around these days. At least your mother calls you.
Most Well-respected Jewish Epic: Annie Hall.
Most Well-respected Catholic Epic: Dante’s Divine Comedy (only one of these is asserted by Celia Miller to be an important work of Western Civilization).
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